Motivation. We all struggle with it from time to time. Sometimes things go so easily, and we're all fired up to achieve things. At other times we just can't get started.
I'm really struggling to inspire myself to do things that I am more than capable of, and that once I've got them done will give me a sense of achievement. I guess the problem is that at the back of my mind I'm thinking, who am I doing this for? Well, of course the answer is, me.
Doesn't help though. You see, the problem with losing your identity is that you also lose drive. It seems easier to help others with their tasks than it is to carry out your own. For instance, with my ex-girlfriend, I would happily spend weekends going with her to art exhibitions, reading her essays and helping to set up exhibitions. Yet, when it came to doing my house up (which is a way that I can express my creativity and skill), I simply can't find the motivation to do it.
This to me is symptomatic of loss of identity. I have spent so long marching to the beat of other's drums that I have lost my own beat. What motivates me to get out of bed in the morning? Well, usually, work. However, being made redundant means that this motivation is temporarily gone. I should be getting on with doing the house up, but watching daytime TV and noodling round the net is so much more satisfying! However, it also means that I am wasting my time. All the time.
What would I like to be doing with my time? Well, getting the house finished for a start. I've been working on it on and off for over a year, and have another year's worth of work to do. All I can see stretching forward into the immediate future is weekends spent up to my eyes in dust and paint. Joy.
What would I rather be doing instead? I used to write music, and play the piano. I haven't touched the piano in over 3 years, it's gathering dust. I am very interested in art, and have always said that given the chance, I'd love to try painting - it's something I never really got into at art college, but I have had a taste for it in the last 2 years with my ex (she is an artist), and have always liked the idea of having some of my original artwork on the walls of my (yet to be finished) home. I'm enjoying writing this blog, maybe I'd like to write some more stuff. I like cycling, swimming, and despite the problems with my legs during childhood, running, but can I be arsed? I used to like walking, and was a member of a group - can I be bothered to join another one, even though I know it will do me good, and I'll meet some new friends into the bargain? Nope. I'm not even listening to music anymore - even though I have a large collection of music, and a couple of years ago bought the Hi-Fi I always wanted - it's also gathering dust.
I'd like to travel more - I've been to the US, Sweden, Italy, Taiwan and Hong Kong, and found all these experiences highly enjoyable. But can I motivate myself to save up to go away somewhere (Bibao is top of the list). No. Apathy has taken over.
Is this due to my lack of identity? As I said in my earlier posts, I have lost sight of who I am, and have lost my ambitions. I seem to be stuck in a rut of work, housework, DIY and shopping, only punctuated by trips to the pub now and again, which only leave me with a hangover, and bouts of depression. How did it come to this?
I seem to have become ground down, and stuck in a cycle of behaviour that marks me as lazy in my own mind. This feeds the inner bully - it likes to have something to pick on me for, and idling the time away is perfect for it. In effect I keep myself down, where its safe, where I don't have to put myself on the line.
I've got so wrapped up in my bubble that I sometimes find it difficult to even leave the house, or answer the phone. Its easier not having to relate to people. With one group of friends I regularly see, we always go to the same place, have the same conversation, eat the same crappy junk food afterwards, and then repeat it again the following week. It's boring....and it's making me boring!
Sorry if this sound like a whine from an over-indulgent teenager, but I am feeling so bloody frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for life. It's all out there, but I seem to be stuck in here, wishing I was out there experiencing life, instead of being on hold.
What am I putting myself on hold for? Usually it was a new relationship - I needed to have someone around to kick me up the arse from time to time. Thats gone now. I'm on my own for the time being. So what am I doing with my new-found independence? Sod all.
There's absolutely no reason for me to be on hold. I'm not holding out for anything. And all that would happen when someone or something came along would be that I'd been out of circulation for so long that I wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or say even.
The link between good self-esteem and identity comes through what you do with your time. If you do nothing, you start to believe that you can do nothing, so you do even less. Then, when something comes along that needs your input, you just sit there opening and closing your mouth and looking scared, because you forgot how to do stuff.
The really stupid thing is that, when I have applied myself, and put the effort in, I've been extremely pleased with the results, and for a time this has boosted my confidence. But never enough for me to believe in myself.
I am sure I can do anything I put my mind to. If I can be bothered.
Friday, 17 July 2009
Monday, 13 July 2009
Art College - I Found Hodge At Last
Some people reckon that your schooldays are your happiest. I don't. I regard my time at Art College as my happiest time. It was here that I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, and in control of my future.
The first few months were a great time of experimentation. We tried out all of the various types of art and design activities offered, so that students could find the area in which they wanted to specialise. I already knew what I wanted to do, but tried everything out. I didn't always understand what it was I was meant to be doing, and sometimes did not try things wholeheartedly, but nevertheless had a great time.
For the first time in years I felt that I belonged. I made friends with the other students, and socialised a little, going to parties and to the pub. I even found my first serious girlfriend. I fell deeply in love with her, and it was with her that I lost my virginity. We had sometimes where we were able to be alone, and it felt great to be that close to someone.
I nearly failed my first year, because I was letting having a good time interfere with study. I remember turning up to a crit drunk after spending all lunch time in the pub. The lecturer took me aside and told me that I had talent, and that I shouldn't throw it away. I worked harder.
Things with my girlfriend got too intense. We got 'engaged'. She had some problems at home with an overbearing step-father. I thought I could rescue her and became her support network. She'd also come to me following a break-up with an abusive boyfriend. I didn't know it, but I was her 'rebound' boyfriend. Inevitably it was doomed, but I clung on, becoming more and more possessive and moody. I eventually became so frustrated at the situation that I lashed out at her verbally, and she called it a day. I was not the same again for sometime, and I stayed away from having relationships for nearly 4 years after that. It took me a long time to get over her rejection. I felt like a 14 year old again.
So, I poured all of my energy into my work. I worked late, often later than my fellow students. I took my work very seriously. I was determined to be a great designer. I did twice as much work as everybody else, and pushed myself hard.
I was a very serious young man. I was always passionate about design, and my second love, music, and would be very critical of things that I did not agree with. I nurtured my individuality, and became a very snappy dresser (or so I though!). My idols were the German designers and artists of the Modernist era, and I modelled my dress on them. I took to wearing round glasses, and wearing very smart clothes. I had a close friend at the time who was equally obsessed, and we spent a lot of time analysing design and music. I felt that I belonged to an exclusive club, and I loved it.
When the time came to choose a University place, I chose Newcastle, as far as I could get from home, and my unhappy school days. I wanted a completely new start.
The end of the course came, and because of all the work I'd done, I gained a Distinction, and high praise from the External Moderator. Some of the other students resented this, and my place at Newcastle (another student, more popular than me went for a place and wasn't offered one, and with a friend started to spread malicious gossip). This made me feel awkward. I'd done nothing to these people. I had not been arrogant, and had praised their work where I felt they'd done well. I didn't understand.
Luckily, my close friends were supportive, and told me that the other students were just being jealous. I remember that during my last few days, a few came up and wished me well. One particular girl, who I had always fancied, but never felt was in my league told me that she had always liked me, and that had I not have been with my girlfriend, we could have got together. That made me feel very good about myself, and I never forgot her, or what she had said.
The first few months were a great time of experimentation. We tried out all of the various types of art and design activities offered, so that students could find the area in which they wanted to specialise. I already knew what I wanted to do, but tried everything out. I didn't always understand what it was I was meant to be doing, and sometimes did not try things wholeheartedly, but nevertheless had a great time.
For the first time in years I felt that I belonged. I made friends with the other students, and socialised a little, going to parties and to the pub. I even found my first serious girlfriend. I fell deeply in love with her, and it was with her that I lost my virginity. We had sometimes where we were able to be alone, and it felt great to be that close to someone.
I nearly failed my first year, because I was letting having a good time interfere with study. I remember turning up to a crit drunk after spending all lunch time in the pub. The lecturer took me aside and told me that I had talent, and that I shouldn't throw it away. I worked harder.
Things with my girlfriend got too intense. We got 'engaged'. She had some problems at home with an overbearing step-father. I thought I could rescue her and became her support network. She'd also come to me following a break-up with an abusive boyfriend. I didn't know it, but I was her 'rebound' boyfriend. Inevitably it was doomed, but I clung on, becoming more and more possessive and moody. I eventually became so frustrated at the situation that I lashed out at her verbally, and she called it a day. I was not the same again for sometime, and I stayed away from having relationships for nearly 4 years after that. It took me a long time to get over her rejection. I felt like a 14 year old again.
So, I poured all of my energy into my work. I worked late, often later than my fellow students. I took my work very seriously. I was determined to be a great designer. I did twice as much work as everybody else, and pushed myself hard.
I was a very serious young man. I was always passionate about design, and my second love, music, and would be very critical of things that I did not agree with. I nurtured my individuality, and became a very snappy dresser (or so I though!). My idols were the German designers and artists of the Modernist era, and I modelled my dress on them. I took to wearing round glasses, and wearing very smart clothes. I had a close friend at the time who was equally obsessed, and we spent a lot of time analysing design and music. I felt that I belonged to an exclusive club, and I loved it.
When the time came to choose a University place, I chose Newcastle, as far as I could get from home, and my unhappy school days. I wanted a completely new start.
The end of the course came, and because of all the work I'd done, I gained a Distinction, and high praise from the External Moderator. Some of the other students resented this, and my place at Newcastle (another student, more popular than me went for a place and wasn't offered one, and with a friend started to spread malicious gossip). This made me feel awkward. I'd done nothing to these people. I had not been arrogant, and had praised their work where I felt they'd done well. I didn't understand.
Luckily, my close friends were supportive, and told me that the other students were just being jealous. I remember that during my last few days, a few came up and wished me well. One particular girl, who I had always fancied, but never felt was in my league told me that she had always liked me, and that had I not have been with my girlfriend, we could have got together. That made me feel very good about myself, and I never forgot her, or what she had said.
Sunday, 12 July 2009
A Wish For Someone Dear
'I wish for you a world of simplicity and compassion,
Tenderness that's always new,
And that there is no limit to what you are'.
Tenderness that's always new,
And that there is no limit to what you are'.
Rebirth
What do I mean by rebirth? Is it possible to be reborn halfway through your lifetime? Or, are we shackled by our past, our upbringing and our beliefs?
I am coming to the end of what has been a particularly painful period in my life. Through it I have lost my job, seen a significant and intense relationship come to an end, and battled the deepest depression I have ever felt.
What have I learned from this, and how can it help with my rebirth?
Well, the first major life lesson I have learnt is that its unhealthy to cling onto situations that are no longer of use. I have worked in a particular profession for the last 7 years, and although it has seen me scale new heights, and learn valuable skills, it has also brought with it untold stress, frustration and feelings of helplessness. I have let the tide take me wherever it chose, and sometimes into waters that have found me struggling to stay afloat.
Its now time to assess what I really want out of my career. Should I accept the status quo, or should I strive for what I truly believe in? Redundancy has been a real eye-opener for me. I have been in this situation before, but never like this. The lack of work in my profession (architecture) is staggering. Most of my ex-colleagues have lost their jobs, and I feel especially sorry for those who chose to study for 7 years, often whilst holding down careers and raising families, only to find themselves unemployed. They chose this profession as their vocation. I did not. So, without any regret, I have decided to walk away from architecture as my career, and to focus on what really interests me. Quite how this will manifest itself is determined by the job opportunities out there, but I think that my time as a member of the architectural profession has come to an end. I am now trying to follow my vocation, which is design. I have applied for a lecturing post at a local university. I hope that this brings forth a much-needed change in direction for me.
As for relationships, I have lost someone who was especially dear to me. This person is very special to me, and although we are no longer together, and although our separation has been heart-breaking for me, I still have strong feelings for this person. For the first time I am able to let someone go, without any malice, the only regret being that we couldn't hold it together. I do not regret any aspect of our relationship, because it has enabled me to learn so much about myself, and in the process has led me to this point in time. I will always be grateful for the relationship for that reason. The woman I was involved with is going away for a year to travel. I wish her well, and hope that she is kept safe, and that the experience is everything she hopes for.
As for me, well I guess that I am embarking on my own journey, to find myself, and to expell some demons that live within me, hopefully for good.
The other life event that has unfolded has been a deep and long-lasting depression, which has made me re-evaluate everything within my life, and to try to make some far-reaching changes to my attitude to life. I am only just beginning to feel better, so my journey is only just beginning, but I am already optimistic for my future. It is liberating to finally realise that the only thing that has ever held me back is me, and that it is completely within my power to make the changes needed. I am feeling much more centered in that knowledge.
The next year will represent a water-shed period in time, where I shall finally emerge from within my shadow, and hopefully open up and embrace experiences for what they really are. I have some way to go to re-discover the child-like curiosity I would like to experience, but, as the old saying goes, 'every day is a school day'!
I am coming to the end of what has been a particularly painful period in my life. Through it I have lost my job, seen a significant and intense relationship come to an end, and battled the deepest depression I have ever felt.
What have I learned from this, and how can it help with my rebirth?
Well, the first major life lesson I have learnt is that its unhealthy to cling onto situations that are no longer of use. I have worked in a particular profession for the last 7 years, and although it has seen me scale new heights, and learn valuable skills, it has also brought with it untold stress, frustration and feelings of helplessness. I have let the tide take me wherever it chose, and sometimes into waters that have found me struggling to stay afloat.
Its now time to assess what I really want out of my career. Should I accept the status quo, or should I strive for what I truly believe in? Redundancy has been a real eye-opener for me. I have been in this situation before, but never like this. The lack of work in my profession (architecture) is staggering. Most of my ex-colleagues have lost their jobs, and I feel especially sorry for those who chose to study for 7 years, often whilst holding down careers and raising families, only to find themselves unemployed. They chose this profession as their vocation. I did not. So, without any regret, I have decided to walk away from architecture as my career, and to focus on what really interests me. Quite how this will manifest itself is determined by the job opportunities out there, but I think that my time as a member of the architectural profession has come to an end. I am now trying to follow my vocation, which is design. I have applied for a lecturing post at a local university. I hope that this brings forth a much-needed change in direction for me.
As for relationships, I have lost someone who was especially dear to me. This person is very special to me, and although we are no longer together, and although our separation has been heart-breaking for me, I still have strong feelings for this person. For the first time I am able to let someone go, without any malice, the only regret being that we couldn't hold it together. I do not regret any aspect of our relationship, because it has enabled me to learn so much about myself, and in the process has led me to this point in time. I will always be grateful for the relationship for that reason. The woman I was involved with is going away for a year to travel. I wish her well, and hope that she is kept safe, and that the experience is everything she hopes for.
As for me, well I guess that I am embarking on my own journey, to find myself, and to expell some demons that live within me, hopefully for good.
The other life event that has unfolded has been a deep and long-lasting depression, which has made me re-evaluate everything within my life, and to try to make some far-reaching changes to my attitude to life. I am only just beginning to feel better, so my journey is only just beginning, but I am already optimistic for my future. It is liberating to finally realise that the only thing that has ever held me back is me, and that it is completely within my power to make the changes needed. I am feeling much more centered in that knowledge.
The next year will represent a water-shed period in time, where I shall finally emerge from within my shadow, and hopefully open up and embrace experiences for what they really are. I have some way to go to re-discover the child-like curiosity I would like to experience, but, as the old saying goes, 'every day is a school day'!
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