Finding Hodge

I haven't posted on here for a while - guess I've been too busy, and feeling too good! Well, I seem to be gradually finding Hodge again - I'm not quite there yet - and as my cousin said the other night, I'm on step one - there's 30 more steps to go yet!

The big breakthrough is that I've started writing music again - something that I haven't done for nearly 12 years. I've started writing lyrics, and I can feel the 'muse' returning! This is great news - a vital part of my identity is re-establishing itself.........more to follow!

My new mantra.......

Out of adversity comes triumph. Accept your situation, make the most of it, and wring out every opportunity. Look hard into any unexpected change in your life, and you'll find a rich seam of offers for enrichment.

Out of Adversity - A Triumph.....

There is an old saying that "out of adversity comes opportunity" - and I'm happy to say that that's definitely coming true for me.

The global recession has meant that I have lost my job twice in as many years. The toll on my self-esteem has been high - it has led to a two major depressive episodes, and, or so I though, the end of what had been a largely successful career in architecture.

Out of desperation I took a job miles away from home (I do a 3 hour round trip everyday), on a reduced salary, in a Home Improvement Agency - it's quite a departure.

At first I hated it. I resisted the change, loss of status and hated the location and the people. I was very critical, and tried my level best to leave. I was prepared to take quite unsuitable jobs, which would have bored me stupid, just to get out.

Then, slowly at first, and hardly noticeably, something started to change.

I started to accept my situation, and realised that there is a rich seam of opportunity within it.

I've now been there for 6 months. My colleagues all recognise me as a vital part of the team. My opinions matter, and my skills recognised. I am able to organise myself, and am autonomous. There is no criticism of my working practice.

My two colleagues are retiring, and look to me to take the department forward. For the first time ever, I will be driving the ship. My bosses are fully behind me, and are looking forward to the changes that they know I will implement. There will be a promotion, and more money. There will also be the opportunities, which I have tried to chase for over 5 years, to finally gain a recognised chartered status in my profession - which will enable me to cease feeling that I am an imposter, or a pretender, and which will validate me professionally.

We put on a day-long event yesterday for our contractors. I was asked to get up and give a talk about our work. I also did most of the presentation work. For the first time in months, I felt valued, and that my contribution mattered. And I really enjoyed doing it.

Of more value was the reaction of my colleagues. I got up and spoke in front of nearly 100 people (something I'm used to). I kept their interest, and even made them laugh....and gained the respect of my colleagues, many of whom came up to me later and said "that was impressive"......

Some of us went out for a drink afterwards, and, for the first time in ages, I felt relaxed, happy, outgoing and confident.

I can feel 'me' coming back to life......and I love what I'm finding.

I vant to be alone....

There are times when I find my life incredibly contradictory! I have been feeling back on top of things for a while - my sense of humour and fun has returned, I am enthusiastic about life again, and my curiosity has returned. In short, I'm having a great time, have got my mojo back, and am living for the first time in nearly a year!

So, why, oh why is it that just as I'm beginning to find myself again, do certain well-meaning people want to get me paired off with someone?!!?

I saw my parents last weekend - all they want is for me to meet a special someone....

A well-meaning but frankly meddling work colleague wants me to try internet dating (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)....

Another work colleague is dying for me to ask her out....

Another work colleague intimated the other day that I have many admirers....

I think another longstanding female friend may be flirting with me....

I've only just found ME again - the last thing I want to do at the moment is lose myself again by getting into another couple.

Oh no, I'm not rushing into that trap again in a hurry!

Sorry everyone - for once, this bird flies solo!

It's all starting to come together.....

I said at the beginning of this blog that the main purpose of writing it is to try and find out who I am, and what makes up my identity.

If you remember, my dilemma was that I had spent so long trying to please others that I had eroded my own identity to the point where I no longer knew who I was, what I represented or where I was going.

That lack of understanding of my own identity scared me - I felt like an empty vessel.

Of course, part of the reason for feeling that way was down to depression, the unraveling of my life (which it turns out was built on sand), and a lack of assertiveness on my part.

I'd allowed myself to be swallowed up in everybody else's grand plan, but had forgotten to formularise one of my own.

However, now that I am beginning to feel better about myself, I'm slowly starting to feel my identity coming back. As the title of this post says - it's all starting to come together.

The really good thing about this realisation is the potential that it offers. This really is a fresh chapter in my life, one which is completely unplanned, and one which can take me in whatever direction I choose.

I realise that no-one has the right to shape my life for me, and I no longer have to prove anything to anyone, other than myself.

It's tremendously liberating!

I feel like the 'reset' button has been pressed. I'm still me, just 'different'.

What I have found is that I am no longer prepared to put up with the mediocre. I can no longer tolerate people, activities or situations which do not suit me. This does not mean that I have closed off parts of my life. Not at all. I am simply more discerning in my choices.

I feel as though I have shifted up a gear, and that whatever has happened to me in the past has shaped a new me. I am the sum of my experience, knowledge and wisdom. I am unique. I have just as much right to a happy and fulfilled life as anyone else. I no longer have any reason to be ashamed of myself, or to hide myself away.

As I'm beginning to get to know the new me, I like it more and more.

It's still very early days, and I have a long way to go yet.

But I really do feel that it's starting to come together.......

Reasons to be cheerful....part 1

I've been feeling cautiously optimistic lately.

A number of factors have been behind this.

One is that a period of debilitating depression has finally lifted. I don't know for how long, but, for now it has gone, and I'm enjoying life again.

This in itself is a reason to be cheerful. Like opening the curtains after a long, cold night to see sunshine and to feel a warm breeze, coming out of depression makes you see the positive in everything, and gives you a reason to forge forward again.

Not a great deal has changed around me. I'm still me. I still live in the same place. I still have the same job, with its long commute, relatively low pay (compared with what I had before I got depressed) and its temporary nature.

The difference is that I now accept my situation for what it is. I don't try to fight it. I don't wish I was somewhere else, or wish that I was living the better days of my past. I now realise that I am in the present, and that I am empowered to shape my future into whatever I want it to be.

I am happy with who I am, what I surround myself with and what I represent.

I also recognise the power of possibility. I am free to do whatever I want with the rest of my life, who I chose to be with, and how I spend my resources, whether it be money, emotions, time or love.

The next chapter of my life begins everytime my head lifts from my pillow. No matter what frustrations today throws at me, tomorrow can always throw something different, whether it be better or worse.

The possibility of change is exciting, challenging and enriching. There will always be new things to learn and experience. There will be new people to meet.

This in itself is a reason to be cheerful - no matter how mundane the day might be, it's still unique, and I'm still developing.

Only forward.......

Learning To Be Happy With Less

In the West, we are pretty much programmed from birth to consume. Our well-being is tied up in 'if only I had that new car/house/handbag/mobile phone/games console I'd be happy'. Its an old, old paradox.

The yearning for a shiny new item of fluff becomes like a drug. It governs our every waking moment - the anticipation of how great life will be once we possess the object of our desire.

Eventually the day comes. The object of our desire is in our sweaty little hands. 'At last!' we think, 'my life will change for the better, now that I have my dream object!!'

However, after a few weeks parading our new paramour to friends and acquaintances, something odd, and highly disappointing happens.

The novelty wears off. All of a sudden our new shiny 'thing' looses it's lustre. We drop our new mobile phone and chip the casing, or we trip and scuff our new shoes. The new car gets dirty, or a scratch down the side....

The dream is over. On to the next object of our desire......

Marketing, advertising, peer pressure ('what do you mean your phone can't take pictures' - 'you like listening to vinyl records?'). Has made many in society yearn for the latest thing. It allows them to bond with others within their social strata, or to join a higher social group to which they aspire.

What many people in the West don't realise is that whatever we throw away ends up not in landfill, but in India, South America, China and so on, to be recycled. Often the work is carried out by young children, who live within the rubbish dumps filled with our old technological fashion faux pas.

The average computer circuit board contains heavy metals such as mercury, lead and cadmium. The old CRT TV sets we are frantically throwing out because they are 'old fashioned', also contain a large proportion of lead in their circuits.

And yet, there is no need to throw our old stuff away because it is just old-fashioned. As far as technology goes, major advancement in new technology slowed to a halt in the 1980s, with the introduction of inexpensive digital communication technology. Apart from wireless internet connections, I can't think of a single technological advancement made in the last 10 years that I can honestly say has seen lives in the West transformed in the same way as, for example, the invention of the telephone itself, or the introduction of affordable motoring.

In short, the 'advances' of the last 10 years or so amount to little more than technological flim flam, designed to con gullible consumers into believing that having a bigger, flat screen TV, or surround-sound speakers, or a device which allows them to store 3,000 of their favorite songs is going to enrich their lives. Believe me, they most certainly don't.

This probably makes me sound like a luddite. I'm not. I trained to be a product designer, my main aim being to produce the objects of desire of the future.

However, I'm all grown up now, and I can see that endlessly cycling product ranges has a negative effect on our society, ecology and mental wellbeing.

Looking around my house, I see all of the usual items we all take for granted - TV, VCR, Games Console, Hi-Fi, Microwave and so on....and I'm satisfied with all that I have. I don't yearn for more, newer, shinier, more fashionable bits of fluff.

I guess that having less income was originally the driver behind this ending of any desire to accumulate more stuff. I have to make what I have last longer, and I have to be more prudent in my choices in the first place to ensure that my money goes further.

The unexpected effect is a kind of contentment in knowing that I have all I need, that I'm happy with what I have, and that through a longterm interaction with the items I have around me, an enjoyment in using the familiar, and knowing that it works well.

It also means that I am able to tap into the world that many feel is inferior. That of the secondhand. I stopped buying brand new stuff sometime ago, again mainly through lack of funds to buy new. And I'm delighted to take on other's castoffs. I'm also glad that I have saved a number of perfectly good consumer items ending up on a rubbish tip in Mumbai.

I've rambled on a little, with no real structure on this post.

I guess the message to you is - think carefully about what you buy.

Buy the best quality (new or used) that you can.

Question whether the device you are buying is really going to change your life (I'm thinking of those who upgrade mobile phones every 3 months, only to still have a device that receives and makes phone calls!!).

Think even harder about what will happen to your discarded (and probably perfectly serviceable) old items.

Even better, learn to be happy with less!

A tribute to a dear departed friend

Blimey, it really is a time for goodbyes, this New Year.

I found out on New Year's Eve that a dear friend of mine had died suddenly. He was a man who I met through my old job, about 5 years ago. We hit it off immediately.

He was much older than me, but had a youthful spirit, and a twinkle in his eye that meant that he very much saw life as something you must grasp with both hands and live as if it could end at any moment. He had a stroke about 10 years ago, and had made pretty much a full recovery, and he was determined to live it to the full.

He lived in a village in Northamptonshire, the same one he was born in, and his love for the place was inspiring. He lived with his wife in a beautiful 17th century house, where we shared many evenings, and bottles of wine, sat by a log fire.

His stories about his life were nothing short of being 'ripping yarns', full of adventure, travel and joy.

His wisdom and knowledge of just about everything was vast, and never dull. He would entertain us for hours, on any subject.

His love and generosity was legendary, as was his compassion. Many a time he was on hand to encourage us when times got hard, a relationship hit the buffers, or work got too stressful.

He lived for his lovely wife, family, grandchildren and his beloved horses and dogs.

But above all else he loved good food and drink. He was a walking encyclopedia of recipes, ingredients, good wines and his favorite tipple, single malt (of which he kept various bottles hidden in the shed, so his wife wouldn't find them - she always did, but turned a blind eye!).

I will always be proud to call him my friend, and I miss him greatly.

Fly away little bird

My ex-girlfriend has been travelling and volunteering in India and Nepal for the last 6 months. Her going away hurt so much at first, I thought I may never recover from it. But, deep down I knew that she would never return, that once she gained her confidence, she would make it her life's mission to keep moving.

Our alliance was only ever going to be temporary, and deep down I knew it. That knowledge always meant that deep down I always held something back, out of self-preservation. At the time it was the catalyst for our parting. In hindsight, it was precisely the right thing to do, adding the old adage, 'if you love someone, set them free'.

I've encountered many different people during my life, some good, some downright boring, and some toxic. My ex-girlfriend is something very special. A true free spirit, who knows her own mind, is full of guts and determination, and has a heart as big as a mountain.

I may never see her again, or even hear from her, but I know she'll be more than ok out there in the big, wide world.

And I wish her nothing but love, peace, happiness and fulfillment, wherever she finds it.

Fly free my little bird.