My new mantra.......

Out of adversity comes triumph. Accept your situation, make the most of it, and wring out every opportunity. Look hard into any unexpected change in your life, and you'll find a rich seam of offers for enrichment.

Out of Adversity - A Triumph.....

There is an old saying that "out of adversity comes opportunity" - and I'm happy to say that that's definitely coming true for me.

The global recession has meant that I have lost my job twice in as many years. The toll on my self-esteem has been high - it has led to a two major depressive episodes, and, or so I though, the end of what had been a largely successful career in architecture.

Out of desperation I took a job miles away from home (I do a 3 hour round trip everyday), on a reduced salary, in a Home Improvement Agency - it's quite a departure.

At first I hated it. I resisted the change, loss of status and hated the location and the people. I was very critical, and tried my level best to leave. I was prepared to take quite unsuitable jobs, which would have bored me stupid, just to get out.

Then, slowly at first, and hardly noticeably, something started to change.

I started to accept my situation, and realised that there is a rich seam of opportunity within it.

I've now been there for 6 months. My colleagues all recognise me as a vital part of the team. My opinions matter, and my skills recognised. I am able to organise myself, and am autonomous. There is no criticism of my working practice.

My two colleagues are retiring, and look to me to take the department forward. For the first time ever, I will be driving the ship. My bosses are fully behind me, and are looking forward to the changes that they know I will implement. There will be a promotion, and more money. There will also be the opportunities, which I have tried to chase for over 5 years, to finally gain a recognised chartered status in my profession - which will enable me to cease feeling that I am an imposter, or a pretender, and which will validate me professionally.

We put on a day-long event yesterday for our contractors. I was asked to get up and give a talk about our work. I also did most of the presentation work. For the first time in months, I felt valued, and that my contribution mattered. And I really enjoyed doing it.

Of more value was the reaction of my colleagues. I got up and spoke in front of nearly 100 people (something I'm used to). I kept their interest, and even made them laugh....and gained the respect of my colleagues, many of whom came up to me later and said "that was impressive"......

Some of us went out for a drink afterwards, and, for the first time in ages, I felt relaxed, happy, outgoing and confident.

I can feel 'me' coming back to life......and I love what I'm finding.

I vant to be alone....

There are times when I find my life incredibly contradictory! I have been feeling back on top of things for a while - my sense of humour and fun has returned, I am enthusiastic about life again, and my curiosity has returned. In short, I'm having a great time, have got my mojo back, and am living for the first time in nearly a year!

So, why, oh why is it that just as I'm beginning to find myself again, do certain well-meaning people want to get me paired off with someone?!!?

I saw my parents last weekend - all they want is for me to meet a special someone....

A well-meaning but frankly meddling work colleague wants me to try internet dating (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)....

Another work colleague is dying for me to ask her out....

Another work colleague intimated the other day that I have many admirers....

I think another longstanding female friend may be flirting with me....

I've only just found ME again - the last thing I want to do at the moment is lose myself again by getting into another couple.

Oh no, I'm not rushing into that trap again in a hurry!

Sorry everyone - for once, this bird flies solo!

It's all starting to come together.....

I said at the beginning of this blog that the main purpose of writing it is to try and find out who I am, and what makes up my identity.

If you remember, my dilemma was that I had spent so long trying to please others that I had eroded my own identity to the point where I no longer knew who I was, what I represented or where I was going.

That lack of understanding of my own identity scared me - I felt like an empty vessel.

Of course, part of the reason for feeling that way was down to depression, the unraveling of my life (which it turns out was built on sand), and a lack of assertiveness on my part.

I'd allowed myself to be swallowed up in everybody else's grand plan, but had forgotten to formularise one of my own.

However, now that I am beginning to feel better about myself, I'm slowly starting to feel my identity coming back. As the title of this post says - it's all starting to come together.

The really good thing about this realisation is the potential that it offers. This really is a fresh chapter in my life, one which is completely unplanned, and one which can take me in whatever direction I choose.

I realise that no-one has the right to shape my life for me, and I no longer have to prove anything to anyone, other than myself.

It's tremendously liberating!

I feel like the 'reset' button has been pressed. I'm still me, just 'different'.

What I have found is that I am no longer prepared to put up with the mediocre. I can no longer tolerate people, activities or situations which do not suit me. This does not mean that I have closed off parts of my life. Not at all. I am simply more discerning in my choices.

I feel as though I have shifted up a gear, and that whatever has happened to me in the past has shaped a new me. I am the sum of my experience, knowledge and wisdom. I am unique. I have just as much right to a happy and fulfilled life as anyone else. I no longer have any reason to be ashamed of myself, or to hide myself away.

As I'm beginning to get to know the new me, I like it more and more.

It's still very early days, and I have a long way to go yet.

But I really do feel that it's starting to come together.......