Where's My Motivation Here?

Motivation. We all struggle with it from time to time. Sometimes things go so easily, and we're all fired up to achieve things. At other times we just can't get started.

I'm really struggling to inspire myself to do things that I am more than capable of, and that once I've got them done will give me a sense of achievement. I guess the problem is that at the back of my mind I'm thinking, who am I doing this for? Well, of course the answer is, me.

Doesn't help though. You see, the problem with losing your identity is that you also lose drive. It seems easier to help others with their tasks than it is to carry out your own. For instance, with my ex-girlfriend, I would happily spend weekends going with her to art exhibitions, reading her essays and helping to set up exhibitions. Yet, when it came to doing my house up (which is a way that I can express my creativity and skill), I simply can't find the motivation to do it.

This to me is symptomatic of loss of identity. I have spent so long marching to the beat of other's drums that I have lost my own beat. What motivates me to get out of bed in the morning? Well, usually, work. However, being made redundant means that this motivation is temporarily gone. I should be getting on with doing the house up, but watching daytime TV and noodling round the net is so much more satisfying! However, it also means that I am wasting my time. All the time.

What would I like to be doing with my time? Well, getting the house finished for a start. I've been working on it on and off for over a year, and have another year's worth of work to do. All I can see stretching forward into the immediate future is weekends spent up to my eyes in dust and paint. Joy.

What would I rather be doing instead? I used to write music, and play the piano. I haven't touched the piano in over 3 years, it's gathering dust. I am very interested in art, and have always said that given the chance, I'd love to try painting - it's something I never really got into at art college, but I have had a taste for it in the last 2 years with my ex (she is an artist), and have always liked the idea of having some of my original artwork on the walls of my (yet to be finished) home. I'm enjoying writing this blog, maybe I'd like to write some more stuff. I like cycling, swimming, and despite the problems with my legs during childhood, running, but can I be arsed? I used to like walking, and was a member of a group - can I be bothered to join another one, even though I know it will do me good, and I'll meet some new friends into the bargain? Nope. I'm not even listening to music anymore - even though I have a large collection of music, and a couple of years ago bought the Hi-Fi I always wanted - it's also gathering dust.

I'd like to travel more - I've been to the US, Sweden, Italy, Taiwan and Hong Kong, and found all these experiences highly enjoyable. But can I motivate myself to save up to go away somewhere (Bibao is top of the list). No. Apathy has taken over.

Is this due to my lack of identity? As I said in my earlier posts, I have lost sight of who I am, and have lost my ambitions. I seem to be stuck in a rut of work, housework, DIY and shopping, only punctuated by trips to the pub now and again, which only leave me with a hangover, and bouts of depression. How did it come to this?

I seem to have become ground down, and stuck in a cycle of behaviour that marks me as lazy in my own mind. This feeds the inner bully - it likes to have something to pick on me for, and idling the time away is perfect for it. In effect I keep myself down, where its safe, where I don't have to put myself on the line.

I've got so wrapped up in my bubble that I sometimes find it difficult to even leave the house, or answer the phone. Its easier not having to relate to people. With one group of friends I regularly see, we always go to the same place, have the same conversation, eat the same crappy junk food afterwards, and then repeat it again the following week. It's boring....and it's making me boring!

Sorry if this sound like a whine from an over-indulgent teenager, but I am feeling so bloody frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for life. It's all out there, but I seem to be stuck in here, wishing I was out there experiencing life, instead of being on hold.

What am I putting myself on hold for? Usually it was a new relationship - I needed to have someone around to kick me up the arse from time to time. Thats gone now. I'm on my own for the time being. So what am I doing with my new-found independence? Sod all.

There's absolutely no reason for me to be on hold. I'm not holding out for anything. And all that would happen when someone or something came along would be that I'd been out of circulation for so long that I wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or say even.

The link between good self-esteem and identity comes through what you do with your time. If you do nothing, you start to believe that you can do nothing, so you do even less. Then, when something comes along that needs your input, you just sit there opening and closing your mouth and looking scared, because you forgot how to do stuff.

The really stupid thing is that, when I have applied myself, and put the effort in, I've been extremely pleased with the results, and for a time this has boosted my confidence. But never enough for me to believe in myself.

I am sure I can do anything I put my mind to. If I can be bothered.