The Path to Forgiveness

I haven't posted for a while. There have been various reasons for this, which I won't go into here. I found creating my chronicle of my earlier years cathartic, and I will return to it later.

Today, I want to explore my attitudes to those who I think have harmed me, or damaged me along the way, and why this has happened. Most importantly, I want to try to understand what these things have taught me.

I have, for many years held great resentment against those who I feel robbed me of my carefree childhood, and of my ability to grow into a rounded adult. I have felt for a while now that my only defence against feeling inferior was to channel all of my efforts into being good at my career. This way I could gain approval from those who doubted me.

I have learnt over the past few weeks, owing to my own experience of redundancy, and a relationship breakdown, that my identity depends on more than a successful career. My relationships cannot have unconditional support and loyalty, in the way that my close family relationships have.

Those kids at school did not specifically have it in for me. Most of the time I was invisible to them anyway, as I hid myself away from them for most of my later time at school. In my case, disappearing is the best form of defence. If situations make me feel uncomfortable, I climb into my shell and hope that they go away. This is most unhealthy. I also am afraid to say what I think, in case my honesty, and assertiveness pushes people away.



So, what did those kids at school teach me? (the real answer is in italics)

1. Its not good to be different from the crowd.

Actually no. Children don't understand individuality - at early stages of development, they only know what they have been told is OK. This is why during my school years I was an outsider, and then whilst at Art college, where expression was encouraged, I felt part of something. What I didn't grasp is that it's OK to be different, as long as that difference does not offend or hurt anyone. If people don't understand, then it's up to me to explain why I think differently to them, or walk away. I should like what I am, and what I represent, and respect other's choices.

2. Because the kids at school didn't like me, no-one likes me.

Not true. I don't know whether the kids at school liked me or not. I never asked them! I was afraid of what they might say in return. They were probably very ambivalent towards me. I gave up on joining in with them, and didn't make the effort to be 'liked'. I retreated into what felt safe to me. People do like me, I have a number of loyal friends, dating back years. I have had relationships, and been in love a number of times. However, I have never been very good at maintaining those relationships - I have always relied on people making the effort with me. I'm not good at making the effort back.

3. Because I was bullied, I will always be inferior to everyone who is normal.

Wrong again. I am not inferior. The only person who keeps putting me down is me. Me internal bully sets the tempo and theme of my close relationships. I constantly have an anxiety that things will go wrong, in any situation, and of course this becomes an obsession, and then a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am intelligent, not horrible to look at, have a sense of humour, and have every opportunity for a successful career. I'm not a lost cause by any means. But my internal bully keeps telling me I am. My low self-esteem is eating away at me, and undermining the good things in my life.

4. I am not good at coping with things going wrong.

True, I'm not. In fact I'm terrible. If anything goes wrong, even a little thing, it can ruin my day, and I make damn sure that it ruins the day of anyone unlucky enough to be around me. I am very bad at reacting to negative situations. If I lose my job, it's all my fault, I blame myself, and it's a complete disaster. I can't see the bigger picture, only the worst case scenario. Any change, no matter how small or large, is an opportunity to grow. Life is about change. There are no constants, and the only person you can rely on to survive life events is, ultimately, yourself. There are no super-heroes to come and rescue you. But, you need to keep a level head, and be pro-active.

5. But I'm not pro-active....

This, I think stems from the period at school where I started a band with some friends. In that instance I was pro-active. I set up the rehearsals, picked the material, was the musical director, and so on....When it went wrong, I almost gave up on any activity that involved arranging things with other people. I either did my own thing on my own, or went along with others plans. I stopped striving for what I wanted to get out of something, or achieve. This is another symptom of low self-esteem - my drive left me. Over time, that drive has become non-existent, to the extent that I have little ambition left, and drift in and out of situations, with little or no control over the outcome. I don't yet know how, but I need to find a way of empowering myself.


6. People will always see through me, and find out my failings.


This is a terrible burden. I have felt this a lot recently. A relationship I have been in has failed, but we have still being seeing each other. We have mutual friends in the area in which I live, and a couple of weeks ago bumped into them. I felt that my ex-partner had told everyone every single failing of mine, and that everyone was looking at me and thinking 'what a loser'. It's the most awful feeling of self-hate. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, telling each other what a failure I have been to lose my relationship with their friend. This is most probably not the case, and I'm being paranoid. This is just the same as when I was being blanked at school. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, saying how worthless I was. They probably weren't, and were more likely to be taling about teenage stuff. But I felt that all eyes were on me, the freak-show. I still feel that now. When things go wrong, I feel that everyone I know is looking at me going 'he's done it again, the loser, screwed up'. This again is self-bullying. It's a mental form of self-harming, and possibly more damaging because it re-programmes the brain, and thought patterns into self-dillusion and ever deepening low self-esteem.


7. I have nothing to give anyone. I only take.


I think this stems from an unwillingness to give myself up to situations. I am very reserved. This is usually due to a fear of falling, or of failure. It's easier to stay on the sidelines, where it's safe. Worse than that, I am a great critic of others, without actually trying to do things myself. I fear losing myself in situations, such as in a relationship, friendship, or an activity, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me. I need approval, and need to do things that I feel I am good at, so that I don't look like a failure. This limits what I do with myself, and interactions with others. What is there to fear, other than fear itself? What is more life enriching? Giving things a go, wholeheartedly, to experience something new, and potentially exciting, or to watch others trying daring things, and criticising? What will I have to look back on when I am old? A steady job, a car and a nice house, or a rich life full of happiness and good memories?

8. I'm better off on my own, that way nothing can harm me.

Really? If that was the case, why am I pouring my heart out in this blog, and publishing it in cyberspace for everyone and their dog to read? If there ever was a need to reach out somehow, this was it. No-one is out to get me, or to deliberately harm me. In many respects, due to things not going my way, I have reverted back to that little boy, playing on his own because the nasty other kids have called him a horrible name, or broken his favourite toy. This is what mental programming does for you - when life gets tough, you revert to tried and tested behaviour. This is OK for a while, but is results in cyclic behavioural patterns. Something new happens, and it's good. You can't believe your luck. For a while you can't get enough of this new thing. Then you doubt your good fortune. Then you test the situation to see if it holds true. Then this brings up doubts as to whether it will last. Then you start to withdraw from the situation because its no longer easy to achieve success. Things change, and you react badly to that change. You withdraw effort, and resist change. Then it really does fail. Then you retreat back into your shell, ready for the next cycle. This pattern must somehow be broken, because thats the way I have lived most of my life, and whilst its OK to keep starting over when you are a child and an adolescent, there's only so many times you can do this as an adult, and in any case, I'm tired of starting over hoping for things to be different. Invariably they always end the same, because of my response to situations as they arise. This isn't self-bullying, by the way, this is a recognised pattern of my life, and especially in my close relationships with others. And a pattern that I would dearly like to break.

9. If only....

I was better looking. I had more money. I had a better job. I was good at football. He/she was more like me. I was popular.....Another pattern of mine. Buddhism teaches you that the only time you are able to experience is the present. The past is past, and although it has influenced you, and shaped you, it is the past, and can no longer effect you. The future is completely out of your control. You have no way of knowing what may happen, when or how. The only sure thing is the here and now. Every breath you inhale represents the present moment. You are living though it, and experiencing it, and as soon as you exhale, you have relegated the previous breath to the past, where it will always stay. One day there will be no new breath, and this stage of life will be over for you. In other words, if you are dwelling too much in the past (as I am here, in an effort to understand it, reconcile it, and then file it away), or think too much about the future (which I am very guilty of - the 'if only' effect), you can miss what's happening right now, in the present - the only time period you can positvely influence. I have spent so much time thinking 'if only' that the time has been and gone, and fundementally, nothing's really changed, other than I've lamented the time that has already been wasted in yearning for a better tomorrow, or wished for things to return to a time in which I felt happy. Ironically, this is usually the period of time before all of the bullying at school started, when I was happily playing at home in the early 70s. I am very nostalgic for that time, and not very good at embracing the new, the radical or the untried. I am not so good at recognising that these events are now in the past, and whilst its good to look back, it's today's experiences that will influence my future memories. I can't remember the last time I really had fun, in the true unabandoned way you do as a child. Nor can I remember a time when I achieved something I was really proud of. I was asked what I felt my greatest achievement was recently, and my response was based on work. I can't really think of anything from my personal life recently that has enriched me. This is part of longing for the better future that never comes - it only happens if you do something now towards that future.

10. Nobody loves me.

Well actually, a lot of people do. Except the most important person in my life. ME. Low self-esteem has robbed me of the ability to love, or even like myself. I am very poor at accepting praise from people, and am exceptionally modest about my abilities. I think that good things only come my way through chance, and that I don't deserve them. Or even worse, that I will fail in my task at hand, and be exposed as a pretender or loser. This lack of self-worth is severely limiting in many ways, and forms part of my need to limit my involvement in other people's lives. By staying aloof, I cannot be found out. I use humour to mask any need to really communicate with people meaningfully, or mock other people's afflictions to divert attention away from my own failings. In my later life, I have sometimes turned into the bully, ridiculing and belittling people as a way to bolster my own fragile ego, and as a way to join the 'group'. As with those who bullied me, I am actually ambivalent towards the target of my verbal abuse, but use it as a means of self-defence, to re-direct any scrutiny of myself away. I find myself thinking in these situations, 'you are no better than the person you are picking on - so why do it?' - the answer, because it feels good to not be on the receiving end for a change. This attitude is abominable, and makes me no better than the bullies at school. The abused turns abuser, first to themselves, and then others. How do you learn to love yourself? I'm not altogether sure if I'm honest. I'm quite happy in my own company, and will always find ways to occupy the time. I'm more uncomfortable around other people. I think I am quite in tune with myself, or at least the negative aspects of my character, and hold strong opinions about myself, based on my low self-worth. I was always decribed as 'self-sufficient', which is quite true - but in the same way that an old couple who hate each other stay together because they no nothing else. Just because I can quite happily be alone, does not mean that I am not lonely, or that I like being alone.