Ring out the old ring in the new.....
I haven't posted for a while - I've been busy with a new job, after a period of unemployment. It's not been the easiest period of my life by a long chalk, but I'm finally coming to the end of it, and it's time to start thinking again about the future, and what that may hold.
The original aim of this blog was to try to find out who I am, what makes me tick, and to try and rediscover a childlike curiosity about life, the universe, etc, etc.
I'd love to be able to say that I have some answers, but I'm afraid that, at the moment they elude me.
All I do know is that the past is gone. It's just dust, photographs and memories, good or bad. The future is as yet unknown - it's not mapped out for us, much as we would love it to be. People spend hundreds of thousands of pounds consulting psychics, fortune tellers, palm-readers and the like, in order to find out what their future holds, to give them something to hold out for, to look forward to, or to avoid. The truth is, no-one knows what outside, uncontrollable event may come to scupper their plans.
The only time frame anyone can control is right now. This moment. As soon as you think about it, it's already gone, consigned to history.
Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance of the future is also bliss.
However, and more importantly, our past influences our future, and our present much more than we might think. Every decision we make, the way we present ourselves to the rest of the world is influenced by our past. We become conditioned into a way of acting, thinking and being based upon what has, or has not worked for us before. Nurture.
This is sometimes a good thing. It stops us from walking out in front of a bus, because knowlege tells us that we could get hurt. We don't go to see a particular film, or eat particular foods because we tried them in the past, and they did not agree with us.
Unfortunately though, this behaviour can have a limiting effect, and, if we are not careful can end up with us not doing anything that takes us outside of our safety zone. If we're not careful we can end up wrapped in a bubble.
And this is where this little preamble is taking me. I've wrapped myself up in a big, soft comfortable blanket. I take no risks. Nothing can hurt me. I'm safe.
But I'm also half dead. Doing the same old things with the same outcomes. Round and round in ever decreasing circles. Things start off the same way, and inevitably finish the same way, because my approach to whatever it may be, work, romance, friendships, is the same.
I don't wholeheartedly put myself into the situation, or I deliberately sabotage it before it can go too far, or I simply opt out when it gets difficult.
No more of this. I've had enough of it.
I need to live again, and not be half-dead.
Time to take some risks in my life and see where that takes me, instead of always playing it safe.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Friday, 17 July 2009
Where's My Motivation Here?
Motivation. We all struggle with it from time to time. Sometimes things go so easily, and we're all fired up to achieve things. At other times we just can't get started.
I'm really struggling to inspire myself to do things that I am more than capable of, and that once I've got them done will give me a sense of achievement. I guess the problem is that at the back of my mind I'm thinking, who am I doing this for? Well, of course the answer is, me.
Doesn't help though. You see, the problem with losing your identity is that you also lose drive. It seems easier to help others with their tasks than it is to carry out your own. For instance, with my ex-girlfriend, I would happily spend weekends going with her to art exhibitions, reading her essays and helping to set up exhibitions. Yet, when it came to doing my house up (which is a way that I can express my creativity and skill), I simply can't find the motivation to do it.
This to me is symptomatic of loss of identity. I have spent so long marching to the beat of other's drums that I have lost my own beat. What motivates me to get out of bed in the morning? Well, usually, work. However, being made redundant means that this motivation is temporarily gone. I should be getting on with doing the house up, but watching daytime TV and noodling round the net is so much more satisfying! However, it also means that I am wasting my time. All the time.
What would I like to be doing with my time? Well, getting the house finished for a start. I've been working on it on and off for over a year, and have another year's worth of work to do. All I can see stretching forward into the immediate future is weekends spent up to my eyes in dust and paint. Joy.
What would I rather be doing instead? I used to write music, and play the piano. I haven't touched the piano in over 3 years, it's gathering dust. I am very interested in art, and have always said that given the chance, I'd love to try painting - it's something I never really got into at art college, but I have had a taste for it in the last 2 years with my ex (she is an artist), and have always liked the idea of having some of my original artwork on the walls of my (yet to be finished) home. I'm enjoying writing this blog, maybe I'd like to write some more stuff. I like cycling, swimming, and despite the problems with my legs during childhood, running, but can I be arsed? I used to like walking, and was a member of a group - can I be bothered to join another one, even though I know it will do me good, and I'll meet some new friends into the bargain? Nope. I'm not even listening to music anymore - even though I have a large collection of music, and a couple of years ago bought the Hi-Fi I always wanted - it's also gathering dust.
I'd like to travel more - I've been to the US, Sweden, Italy, Taiwan and Hong Kong, and found all these experiences highly enjoyable. But can I motivate myself to save up to go away somewhere (Bibao is top of the list). No. Apathy has taken over.
Is this due to my lack of identity? As I said in my earlier posts, I have lost sight of who I am, and have lost my ambitions. I seem to be stuck in a rut of work, housework, DIY and shopping, only punctuated by trips to the pub now and again, which only leave me with a hangover, and bouts of depression. How did it come to this?
I seem to have become ground down, and stuck in a cycle of behaviour that marks me as lazy in my own mind. This feeds the inner bully - it likes to have something to pick on me for, and idling the time away is perfect for it. In effect I keep myself down, where its safe, where I don't have to put myself on the line.
I've got so wrapped up in my bubble that I sometimes find it difficult to even leave the house, or answer the phone. Its easier not having to relate to people. With one group of friends I regularly see, we always go to the same place, have the same conversation, eat the same crappy junk food afterwards, and then repeat it again the following week. It's boring....and it's making me boring!
Sorry if this sound like a whine from an over-indulgent teenager, but I am feeling so bloody frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for life. It's all out there, but I seem to be stuck in here, wishing I was out there experiencing life, instead of being on hold.
What am I putting myself on hold for? Usually it was a new relationship - I needed to have someone around to kick me up the arse from time to time. Thats gone now. I'm on my own for the time being. So what am I doing with my new-found independence? Sod all.
There's absolutely no reason for me to be on hold. I'm not holding out for anything. And all that would happen when someone or something came along would be that I'd been out of circulation for so long that I wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or say even.
The link between good self-esteem and identity comes through what you do with your time. If you do nothing, you start to believe that you can do nothing, so you do even less. Then, when something comes along that needs your input, you just sit there opening and closing your mouth and looking scared, because you forgot how to do stuff.
The really stupid thing is that, when I have applied myself, and put the effort in, I've been extremely pleased with the results, and for a time this has boosted my confidence. But never enough for me to believe in myself.
I am sure I can do anything I put my mind to. If I can be bothered.
I'm really struggling to inspire myself to do things that I am more than capable of, and that once I've got them done will give me a sense of achievement. I guess the problem is that at the back of my mind I'm thinking, who am I doing this for? Well, of course the answer is, me.
Doesn't help though. You see, the problem with losing your identity is that you also lose drive. It seems easier to help others with their tasks than it is to carry out your own. For instance, with my ex-girlfriend, I would happily spend weekends going with her to art exhibitions, reading her essays and helping to set up exhibitions. Yet, when it came to doing my house up (which is a way that I can express my creativity and skill), I simply can't find the motivation to do it.
This to me is symptomatic of loss of identity. I have spent so long marching to the beat of other's drums that I have lost my own beat. What motivates me to get out of bed in the morning? Well, usually, work. However, being made redundant means that this motivation is temporarily gone. I should be getting on with doing the house up, but watching daytime TV and noodling round the net is so much more satisfying! However, it also means that I am wasting my time. All the time.
What would I like to be doing with my time? Well, getting the house finished for a start. I've been working on it on and off for over a year, and have another year's worth of work to do. All I can see stretching forward into the immediate future is weekends spent up to my eyes in dust and paint. Joy.
What would I rather be doing instead? I used to write music, and play the piano. I haven't touched the piano in over 3 years, it's gathering dust. I am very interested in art, and have always said that given the chance, I'd love to try painting - it's something I never really got into at art college, but I have had a taste for it in the last 2 years with my ex (she is an artist), and have always liked the idea of having some of my original artwork on the walls of my (yet to be finished) home. I'm enjoying writing this blog, maybe I'd like to write some more stuff. I like cycling, swimming, and despite the problems with my legs during childhood, running, but can I be arsed? I used to like walking, and was a member of a group - can I be bothered to join another one, even though I know it will do me good, and I'll meet some new friends into the bargain? Nope. I'm not even listening to music anymore - even though I have a large collection of music, and a couple of years ago bought the Hi-Fi I always wanted - it's also gathering dust.
I'd like to travel more - I've been to the US, Sweden, Italy, Taiwan and Hong Kong, and found all these experiences highly enjoyable. But can I motivate myself to save up to go away somewhere (Bibao is top of the list). No. Apathy has taken over.
Is this due to my lack of identity? As I said in my earlier posts, I have lost sight of who I am, and have lost my ambitions. I seem to be stuck in a rut of work, housework, DIY and shopping, only punctuated by trips to the pub now and again, which only leave me with a hangover, and bouts of depression. How did it come to this?
I seem to have become ground down, and stuck in a cycle of behaviour that marks me as lazy in my own mind. This feeds the inner bully - it likes to have something to pick on me for, and idling the time away is perfect for it. In effect I keep myself down, where its safe, where I don't have to put myself on the line.
I've got so wrapped up in my bubble that I sometimes find it difficult to even leave the house, or answer the phone. Its easier not having to relate to people. With one group of friends I regularly see, we always go to the same place, have the same conversation, eat the same crappy junk food afterwards, and then repeat it again the following week. It's boring....and it's making me boring!
Sorry if this sound like a whine from an over-indulgent teenager, but I am feeling so bloody frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for life. It's all out there, but I seem to be stuck in here, wishing I was out there experiencing life, instead of being on hold.
What am I putting myself on hold for? Usually it was a new relationship - I needed to have someone around to kick me up the arse from time to time. Thats gone now. I'm on my own for the time being. So what am I doing with my new-found independence? Sod all.
There's absolutely no reason for me to be on hold. I'm not holding out for anything. And all that would happen when someone or something came along would be that I'd been out of circulation for so long that I wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or say even.
The link between good self-esteem and identity comes through what you do with your time. If you do nothing, you start to believe that you can do nothing, so you do even less. Then, when something comes along that needs your input, you just sit there opening and closing your mouth and looking scared, because you forgot how to do stuff.
The really stupid thing is that, when I have applied myself, and put the effort in, I've been extremely pleased with the results, and for a time this has boosted my confidence. But never enough for me to believe in myself.
I am sure I can do anything I put my mind to. If I can be bothered.
Monday, 13 July 2009
Art College - I Found Hodge At Last
Some people reckon that your schooldays are your happiest. I don't. I regard my time at Art College as my happiest time. It was here that I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, and in control of my future.
The first few months were a great time of experimentation. We tried out all of the various types of art and design activities offered, so that students could find the area in which they wanted to specialise. I already knew what I wanted to do, but tried everything out. I didn't always understand what it was I was meant to be doing, and sometimes did not try things wholeheartedly, but nevertheless had a great time.
For the first time in years I felt that I belonged. I made friends with the other students, and socialised a little, going to parties and to the pub. I even found my first serious girlfriend. I fell deeply in love with her, and it was with her that I lost my virginity. We had sometimes where we were able to be alone, and it felt great to be that close to someone.
I nearly failed my first year, because I was letting having a good time interfere with study. I remember turning up to a crit drunk after spending all lunch time in the pub. The lecturer took me aside and told me that I had talent, and that I shouldn't throw it away. I worked harder.
Things with my girlfriend got too intense. We got 'engaged'. She had some problems at home with an overbearing step-father. I thought I could rescue her and became her support network. She'd also come to me following a break-up with an abusive boyfriend. I didn't know it, but I was her 'rebound' boyfriend. Inevitably it was doomed, but I clung on, becoming more and more possessive and moody. I eventually became so frustrated at the situation that I lashed out at her verbally, and she called it a day. I was not the same again for sometime, and I stayed away from having relationships for nearly 4 years after that. It took me a long time to get over her rejection. I felt like a 14 year old again.
So, I poured all of my energy into my work. I worked late, often later than my fellow students. I took my work very seriously. I was determined to be a great designer. I did twice as much work as everybody else, and pushed myself hard.
I was a very serious young man. I was always passionate about design, and my second love, music, and would be very critical of things that I did not agree with. I nurtured my individuality, and became a very snappy dresser (or so I though!). My idols were the German designers and artists of the Modernist era, and I modelled my dress on them. I took to wearing round glasses, and wearing very smart clothes. I had a close friend at the time who was equally obsessed, and we spent a lot of time analysing design and music. I felt that I belonged to an exclusive club, and I loved it.
When the time came to choose a University place, I chose Newcastle, as far as I could get from home, and my unhappy school days. I wanted a completely new start.
The end of the course came, and because of all the work I'd done, I gained a Distinction, and high praise from the External Moderator. Some of the other students resented this, and my place at Newcastle (another student, more popular than me went for a place and wasn't offered one, and with a friend started to spread malicious gossip). This made me feel awkward. I'd done nothing to these people. I had not been arrogant, and had praised their work where I felt they'd done well. I didn't understand.
Luckily, my close friends were supportive, and told me that the other students were just being jealous. I remember that during my last few days, a few came up and wished me well. One particular girl, who I had always fancied, but never felt was in my league told me that she had always liked me, and that had I not have been with my girlfriend, we could have got together. That made me feel very good about myself, and I never forgot her, or what she had said.
The first few months were a great time of experimentation. We tried out all of the various types of art and design activities offered, so that students could find the area in which they wanted to specialise. I already knew what I wanted to do, but tried everything out. I didn't always understand what it was I was meant to be doing, and sometimes did not try things wholeheartedly, but nevertheless had a great time.
For the first time in years I felt that I belonged. I made friends with the other students, and socialised a little, going to parties and to the pub. I even found my first serious girlfriend. I fell deeply in love with her, and it was with her that I lost my virginity. We had sometimes where we were able to be alone, and it felt great to be that close to someone.
I nearly failed my first year, because I was letting having a good time interfere with study. I remember turning up to a crit drunk after spending all lunch time in the pub. The lecturer took me aside and told me that I had talent, and that I shouldn't throw it away. I worked harder.
Things with my girlfriend got too intense. We got 'engaged'. She had some problems at home with an overbearing step-father. I thought I could rescue her and became her support network. She'd also come to me following a break-up with an abusive boyfriend. I didn't know it, but I was her 'rebound' boyfriend. Inevitably it was doomed, but I clung on, becoming more and more possessive and moody. I eventually became so frustrated at the situation that I lashed out at her verbally, and she called it a day. I was not the same again for sometime, and I stayed away from having relationships for nearly 4 years after that. It took me a long time to get over her rejection. I felt like a 14 year old again.
So, I poured all of my energy into my work. I worked late, often later than my fellow students. I took my work very seriously. I was determined to be a great designer. I did twice as much work as everybody else, and pushed myself hard.
I was a very serious young man. I was always passionate about design, and my second love, music, and would be very critical of things that I did not agree with. I nurtured my individuality, and became a very snappy dresser (or so I though!). My idols were the German designers and artists of the Modernist era, and I modelled my dress on them. I took to wearing round glasses, and wearing very smart clothes. I had a close friend at the time who was equally obsessed, and we spent a lot of time analysing design and music. I felt that I belonged to an exclusive club, and I loved it.
When the time came to choose a University place, I chose Newcastle, as far as I could get from home, and my unhappy school days. I wanted a completely new start.
The end of the course came, and because of all the work I'd done, I gained a Distinction, and high praise from the External Moderator. Some of the other students resented this, and my place at Newcastle (another student, more popular than me went for a place and wasn't offered one, and with a friend started to spread malicious gossip). This made me feel awkward. I'd done nothing to these people. I had not been arrogant, and had praised their work where I felt they'd done well. I didn't understand.
Luckily, my close friends were supportive, and told me that the other students were just being jealous. I remember that during my last few days, a few came up and wished me well. One particular girl, who I had always fancied, but never felt was in my league told me that she had always liked me, and that had I not have been with my girlfriend, we could have got together. That made me feel very good about myself, and I never forgot her, or what she had said.
Sunday, 12 July 2009
A Wish For Someone Dear
'I wish for you a world of simplicity and compassion,
Tenderness that's always new,
And that there is no limit to what you are'.
Tenderness that's always new,
And that there is no limit to what you are'.
Rebirth
What do I mean by rebirth? Is it possible to be reborn halfway through your lifetime? Or, are we shackled by our past, our upbringing and our beliefs?
I am coming to the end of what has been a particularly painful period in my life. Through it I have lost my job, seen a significant and intense relationship come to an end, and battled the deepest depression I have ever felt.
What have I learned from this, and how can it help with my rebirth?
Well, the first major life lesson I have learnt is that its unhealthy to cling onto situations that are no longer of use. I have worked in a particular profession for the last 7 years, and although it has seen me scale new heights, and learn valuable skills, it has also brought with it untold stress, frustration and feelings of helplessness. I have let the tide take me wherever it chose, and sometimes into waters that have found me struggling to stay afloat.
Its now time to assess what I really want out of my career. Should I accept the status quo, or should I strive for what I truly believe in? Redundancy has been a real eye-opener for me. I have been in this situation before, but never like this. The lack of work in my profession (architecture) is staggering. Most of my ex-colleagues have lost their jobs, and I feel especially sorry for those who chose to study for 7 years, often whilst holding down careers and raising families, only to find themselves unemployed. They chose this profession as their vocation. I did not. So, without any regret, I have decided to walk away from architecture as my career, and to focus on what really interests me. Quite how this will manifest itself is determined by the job opportunities out there, but I think that my time as a member of the architectural profession has come to an end. I am now trying to follow my vocation, which is design. I have applied for a lecturing post at a local university. I hope that this brings forth a much-needed change in direction for me.
As for relationships, I have lost someone who was especially dear to me. This person is very special to me, and although we are no longer together, and although our separation has been heart-breaking for me, I still have strong feelings for this person. For the first time I am able to let someone go, without any malice, the only regret being that we couldn't hold it together. I do not regret any aspect of our relationship, because it has enabled me to learn so much about myself, and in the process has led me to this point in time. I will always be grateful for the relationship for that reason. The woman I was involved with is going away for a year to travel. I wish her well, and hope that she is kept safe, and that the experience is everything she hopes for.
As for me, well I guess that I am embarking on my own journey, to find myself, and to expell some demons that live within me, hopefully for good.
The other life event that has unfolded has been a deep and long-lasting depression, which has made me re-evaluate everything within my life, and to try to make some far-reaching changes to my attitude to life. I am only just beginning to feel better, so my journey is only just beginning, but I am already optimistic for my future. It is liberating to finally realise that the only thing that has ever held me back is me, and that it is completely within my power to make the changes needed. I am feeling much more centered in that knowledge.
The next year will represent a water-shed period in time, where I shall finally emerge from within my shadow, and hopefully open up and embrace experiences for what they really are. I have some way to go to re-discover the child-like curiosity I would like to experience, but, as the old saying goes, 'every day is a school day'!
I am coming to the end of what has been a particularly painful period in my life. Through it I have lost my job, seen a significant and intense relationship come to an end, and battled the deepest depression I have ever felt.
What have I learned from this, and how can it help with my rebirth?
Well, the first major life lesson I have learnt is that its unhealthy to cling onto situations that are no longer of use. I have worked in a particular profession for the last 7 years, and although it has seen me scale new heights, and learn valuable skills, it has also brought with it untold stress, frustration and feelings of helplessness. I have let the tide take me wherever it chose, and sometimes into waters that have found me struggling to stay afloat.
Its now time to assess what I really want out of my career. Should I accept the status quo, or should I strive for what I truly believe in? Redundancy has been a real eye-opener for me. I have been in this situation before, but never like this. The lack of work in my profession (architecture) is staggering. Most of my ex-colleagues have lost their jobs, and I feel especially sorry for those who chose to study for 7 years, often whilst holding down careers and raising families, only to find themselves unemployed. They chose this profession as their vocation. I did not. So, without any regret, I have decided to walk away from architecture as my career, and to focus on what really interests me. Quite how this will manifest itself is determined by the job opportunities out there, but I think that my time as a member of the architectural profession has come to an end. I am now trying to follow my vocation, which is design. I have applied for a lecturing post at a local university. I hope that this brings forth a much-needed change in direction for me.
As for relationships, I have lost someone who was especially dear to me. This person is very special to me, and although we are no longer together, and although our separation has been heart-breaking for me, I still have strong feelings for this person. For the first time I am able to let someone go, without any malice, the only regret being that we couldn't hold it together. I do not regret any aspect of our relationship, because it has enabled me to learn so much about myself, and in the process has led me to this point in time. I will always be grateful for the relationship for that reason. The woman I was involved with is going away for a year to travel. I wish her well, and hope that she is kept safe, and that the experience is everything she hopes for.
As for me, well I guess that I am embarking on my own journey, to find myself, and to expell some demons that live within me, hopefully for good.
The other life event that has unfolded has been a deep and long-lasting depression, which has made me re-evaluate everything within my life, and to try to make some far-reaching changes to my attitude to life. I am only just beginning to feel better, so my journey is only just beginning, but I am already optimistic for my future. It is liberating to finally realise that the only thing that has ever held me back is me, and that it is completely within my power to make the changes needed. I am feeling much more centered in that knowledge.
The next year will represent a water-shed period in time, where I shall finally emerge from within my shadow, and hopefully open up and embrace experiences for what they really are. I have some way to go to re-discover the child-like curiosity I would like to experience, but, as the old saying goes, 'every day is a school day'!
Saturday, 27 June 2009
Letter to my younger self.....
I've just read an illuminating article about Zoe Lewis, who suffered from mild depression for 20 years without realising it. Eventually, at the insistence of a concerned friend, she went to group therapy. One of the tools used was to write a letter to her younger self, at a stage where she had suffered trauma as a child. I'm going to try that here, writing to myself at approximately age 14, at the stage where I was being alienated at school.....
Dear Simon,
You don't know me yet. I am you in 23 years time. I know you extremely well. I used to be you. I know that you are unhappy at the moment at school because everybody is ignoring you.
It's not nice to feel so alone, especially when you have to try to find somewhere to sit in a class of 30 people who don't want you to sit next to them. Try not to let this get to you. The other children do not know any better. You see Simon, children don't know their own opinions, or how their behaviour effects others, especially sensitive children like you. Its not your fault.
There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, it shows great care of others, compassion and gentleness. These are admirable skills to have. However, when your sensitivity allows people to press your buttons because they want a particular response from you - in your case, they want tears, or a tantrum, it can become a burden. I am not suggesting for a minute that you harden up, that would be such a shame because your sensitivity can be a great attribute. But, Simon, you need to learn to react differently to anxiety, because there is a risk that later on in life, you will meet far bigger demons than a classroom of 14 year olds, and how you deal with them can have profound effects on your life ahead.
I know that when it gets too much, you go to the music room and play the piano. Being alone means that the other kids can't get to you. They are too busy outside in the sun. Wouldn't you like to be outside enjoying the sunshine? And the same at home, always drawing. It's good to be good at something, and I can tell you that you will make a good living from drawing. But it can't be everything. You must have balance in your life.
You also must have friendship. I know that at the moment you don't really have any close friends, but you will when you are older. You will have friendships that endure many years, and which you will find enriching. However, in order to make friends, you need to make an effort.
I know that right now, you are happy with your mom and dad, and your grandparents. Sad to say, they won't always be around. You will have times when you are away from home. Eventually they will pass away. It will be hard to take, but you must cherish the time you have with them.
Finally, Simon, try not to be disheartened. None of this is your fault. You are a good, warm-hearted child with much talent, and you will do well for yourself in your future life.
Just please, don't hide yourself away hoping that things will get better. Show the world how good you are at your music and your drawings, and make friends. Achieve balance in your life. Its not all about studying for a good career, or making your parents proud of you.
You only get one chance at your life Simon. Grasp whatever opportunities are shown to you, and live your life to the fullest. Then, when you are true to yourself, people will want to be your friend, and you will not be so alone.
I love you very much, and I look forward to hearing of all the fun you have had on your journey to adulthood.
Much love,
Future Simon.
Dear Simon,
You don't know me yet. I am you in 23 years time. I know you extremely well. I used to be you. I know that you are unhappy at the moment at school because everybody is ignoring you.
It's not nice to feel so alone, especially when you have to try to find somewhere to sit in a class of 30 people who don't want you to sit next to them. Try not to let this get to you. The other children do not know any better. You see Simon, children don't know their own opinions, or how their behaviour effects others, especially sensitive children like you. Its not your fault.
There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, it shows great care of others, compassion and gentleness. These are admirable skills to have. However, when your sensitivity allows people to press your buttons because they want a particular response from you - in your case, they want tears, or a tantrum, it can become a burden. I am not suggesting for a minute that you harden up, that would be such a shame because your sensitivity can be a great attribute. But, Simon, you need to learn to react differently to anxiety, because there is a risk that later on in life, you will meet far bigger demons than a classroom of 14 year olds, and how you deal with them can have profound effects on your life ahead.
I know that when it gets too much, you go to the music room and play the piano. Being alone means that the other kids can't get to you. They are too busy outside in the sun. Wouldn't you like to be outside enjoying the sunshine? And the same at home, always drawing. It's good to be good at something, and I can tell you that you will make a good living from drawing. But it can't be everything. You must have balance in your life.
You also must have friendship. I know that at the moment you don't really have any close friends, but you will when you are older. You will have friendships that endure many years, and which you will find enriching. However, in order to make friends, you need to make an effort.
I know that right now, you are happy with your mom and dad, and your grandparents. Sad to say, they won't always be around. You will have times when you are away from home. Eventually they will pass away. It will be hard to take, but you must cherish the time you have with them.
Finally, Simon, try not to be disheartened. None of this is your fault. You are a good, warm-hearted child with much talent, and you will do well for yourself in your future life.
Just please, don't hide yourself away hoping that things will get better. Show the world how good you are at your music and your drawings, and make friends. Achieve balance in your life. Its not all about studying for a good career, or making your parents proud of you.
You only get one chance at your life Simon. Grasp whatever opportunities are shown to you, and live your life to the fullest. Then, when you are true to yourself, people will want to be your friend, and you will not be so alone.
I love you very much, and I look forward to hearing of all the fun you have had on your journey to adulthood.
Much love,
Future Simon.
The Path to Forgiveness
I haven't posted for a while. There have been various reasons for this, which I won't go into here. I found creating my chronicle of my earlier years cathartic, and I will return to it later.
Today, I want to explore my attitudes to those who I think have harmed me, or damaged me along the way, and why this has happened. Most importantly, I want to try to understand what these things have taught me.
I have, for many years held great resentment against those who I feel robbed me of my carefree childhood, and of my ability to grow into a rounded adult. I have felt for a while now that my only defence against feeling inferior was to channel all of my efforts into being good at my career. This way I could gain approval from those who doubted me.
I have learnt over the past few weeks, owing to my own experience of redundancy, and a relationship breakdown, that my identity depends on more than a successful career. My relationships cannot have unconditional support and loyalty, in the way that my close family relationships have.
Those kids at school did not specifically have it in for me. Most of the time I was invisible to them anyway, as I hid myself away from them for most of my later time at school. In my case, disappearing is the best form of defence. If situations make me feel uncomfortable, I climb into my shell and hope that they go away. This is most unhealthy. I also am afraid to say what I think, in case my honesty, and assertiveness pushes people away.
So, what did those kids at school teach me? (the real answer is in italics)
1. Its not good to be different from the crowd.
Actually no. Children don't understand individuality - at early stages of development, they only know what they have been told is OK. This is why during my school years I was an outsider, and then whilst at Art college, where expression was encouraged, I felt part of something. What I didn't grasp is that it's OK to be different, as long as that difference does not offend or hurt anyone. If people don't understand, then it's up to me to explain why I think differently to them, or walk away. I should like what I am, and what I represent, and respect other's choices.
2. Because the kids at school didn't like me, no-one likes me.
Not true. I don't know whether the kids at school liked me or not. I never asked them! I was afraid of what they might say in return. They were probably very ambivalent towards me. I gave up on joining in with them, and didn't make the effort to be 'liked'. I retreated into what felt safe to me. People do like me, I have a number of loyal friends, dating back years. I have had relationships, and been in love a number of times. However, I have never been very good at maintaining those relationships - I have always relied on people making the effort with me. I'm not good at making the effort back.
3. Because I was bullied, I will always be inferior to everyone who is normal.
Wrong again. I am not inferior. The only person who keeps putting me down is me. Me internal bully sets the tempo and theme of my close relationships. I constantly have an anxiety that things will go wrong, in any situation, and of course this becomes an obsession, and then a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am intelligent, not horrible to look at, have a sense of humour, and have every opportunity for a successful career. I'm not a lost cause by any means. But my internal bully keeps telling me I am. My low self-esteem is eating away at me, and undermining the good things in my life.
4. I am not good at coping with things going wrong.
True, I'm not. In fact I'm terrible. If anything goes wrong, even a little thing, it can ruin my day, and I make damn sure that it ruins the day of anyone unlucky enough to be around me. I am very bad at reacting to negative situations. If I lose my job, it's all my fault, I blame myself, and it's a complete disaster. I can't see the bigger picture, only the worst case scenario. Any change, no matter how small or large, is an opportunity to grow. Life is about change. There are no constants, and the only person you can rely on to survive life events is, ultimately, yourself. There are no super-heroes to come and rescue you. But, you need to keep a level head, and be pro-active.
5. But I'm not pro-active....
This, I think stems from the period at school where I started a band with some friends. In that instance I was pro-active. I set up the rehearsals, picked the material, was the musical director, and so on....When it went wrong, I almost gave up on any activity that involved arranging things with other people. I either did my own thing on my own, or went along with others plans. I stopped striving for what I wanted to get out of something, or achieve. This is another symptom of low self-esteem - my drive left me. Over time, that drive has become non-existent, to the extent that I have little ambition left, and drift in and out of situations, with little or no control over the outcome. I don't yet know how, but I need to find a way of empowering myself.
6. People will always see through me, and find out my failings.
This is a terrible burden. I have felt this a lot recently. A relationship I have been in has failed, but we have still being seeing each other. We have mutual friends in the area in which I live, and a couple of weeks ago bumped into them. I felt that my ex-partner had told everyone every single failing of mine, and that everyone was looking at me and thinking 'what a loser'. It's the most awful feeling of self-hate. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, telling each other what a failure I have been to lose my relationship with their friend. This is most probably not the case, and I'm being paranoid. This is just the same as when I was being blanked at school. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, saying how worthless I was. They probably weren't, and were more likely to be taling about teenage stuff. But I felt that all eyes were on me, the freak-show. I still feel that now. When things go wrong, I feel that everyone I know is looking at me going 'he's done it again, the loser, screwed up'. This again is self-bullying. It's a mental form of self-harming, and possibly more damaging because it re-programmes the brain, and thought patterns into self-dillusion and ever deepening low self-esteem.
7. I have nothing to give anyone. I only take.
I think this stems from an unwillingness to give myself up to situations. I am very reserved. This is usually due to a fear of falling, or of failure. It's easier to stay on the sidelines, where it's safe. Worse than that, I am a great critic of others, without actually trying to do things myself. I fear losing myself in situations, such as in a relationship, friendship, or an activity, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me. I need approval, and need to do things that I feel I am good at, so that I don't look like a failure. This limits what I do with myself, and interactions with others. What is there to fear, other than fear itself? What is more life enriching? Giving things a go, wholeheartedly, to experience something new, and potentially exciting, or to watch others trying daring things, and criticising? What will I have to look back on when I am old? A steady job, a car and a nice house, or a rich life full of happiness and good memories?
8. I'm better off on my own, that way nothing can harm me.
Really? If that was the case, why am I pouring my heart out in this blog, and publishing it in cyberspace for everyone and their dog to read? If there ever was a need to reach out somehow, this was it. No-one is out to get me, or to deliberately harm me. In many respects, due to things not going my way, I have reverted back to that little boy, playing on his own because the nasty other kids have called him a horrible name, or broken his favourite toy. This is what mental programming does for you - when life gets tough, you revert to tried and tested behaviour. This is OK for a while, but is results in cyclic behavioural patterns. Something new happens, and it's good. You can't believe your luck. For a while you can't get enough of this new thing. Then you doubt your good fortune. Then you test the situation to see if it holds true. Then this brings up doubts as to whether it will last. Then you start to withdraw from the situation because its no longer easy to achieve success. Things change, and you react badly to that change. You withdraw effort, and resist change. Then it really does fail. Then you retreat back into your shell, ready for the next cycle. This pattern must somehow be broken, because thats the way I have lived most of my life, and whilst its OK to keep starting over when you are a child and an adolescent, there's only so many times you can do this as an adult, and in any case, I'm tired of starting over hoping for things to be different. Invariably they always end the same, because of my response to situations as they arise. This isn't self-bullying, by the way, this is a recognised pattern of my life, and especially in my close relationships with others. And a pattern that I would dearly like to break.
9. If only....
I was better looking. I had more money. I had a better job. I was good at football. He/she was more like me. I was popular.....Another pattern of mine. Buddhism teaches you that the only time you are able to experience is the present. The past is past, and although it has influenced you, and shaped you, it is the past, and can no longer effect you. The future is completely out of your control. You have no way of knowing what may happen, when or how. The only sure thing is the here and now. Every breath you inhale represents the present moment. You are living though it, and experiencing it, and as soon as you exhale, you have relegated the previous breath to the past, where it will always stay. One day there will be no new breath, and this stage of life will be over for you. In other words, if you are dwelling too much in the past (as I am here, in an effort to understand it, reconcile it, and then file it away), or think too much about the future (which I am very guilty of - the 'if only' effect), you can miss what's happening right now, in the present - the only time period you can positvely influence. I have spent so much time thinking 'if only' that the time has been and gone, and fundementally, nothing's really changed, other than I've lamented the time that has already been wasted in yearning for a better tomorrow, or wished for things to return to a time in which I felt happy. Ironically, this is usually the period of time before all of the bullying at school started, when I was happily playing at home in the early 70s. I am very nostalgic for that time, and not very good at embracing the new, the radical or the untried. I am not so good at recognising that these events are now in the past, and whilst its good to look back, it's today's experiences that will influence my future memories. I can't remember the last time I really had fun, in the true unabandoned way you do as a child. Nor can I remember a time when I achieved something I was really proud of. I was asked what I felt my greatest achievement was recently, and my response was based on work. I can't really think of anything from my personal life recently that has enriched me. This is part of longing for the better future that never comes - it only happens if you do something now towards that future.
10. Nobody loves me.
Well actually, a lot of people do. Except the most important person in my life. ME. Low self-esteem has robbed me of the ability to love, or even like myself. I am very poor at accepting praise from people, and am exceptionally modest about my abilities. I think that good things only come my way through chance, and that I don't deserve them. Or even worse, that I will fail in my task at hand, and be exposed as a pretender or loser. This lack of self-worth is severely limiting in many ways, and forms part of my need to limit my involvement in other people's lives. By staying aloof, I cannot be found out. I use humour to mask any need to really communicate with people meaningfully, or mock other people's afflictions to divert attention away from my own failings. In my later life, I have sometimes turned into the bully, ridiculing and belittling people as a way to bolster my own fragile ego, and as a way to join the 'group'. As with those who bullied me, I am actually ambivalent towards the target of my verbal abuse, but use it as a means of self-defence, to re-direct any scrutiny of myself away. I find myself thinking in these situations, 'you are no better than the person you are picking on - so why do it?' - the answer, because it feels good to not be on the receiving end for a change. This attitude is abominable, and makes me no better than the bullies at school. The abused turns abuser, first to themselves, and then others. How do you learn to love yourself? I'm not altogether sure if I'm honest. I'm quite happy in my own company, and will always find ways to occupy the time. I'm more uncomfortable around other people. I think I am quite in tune with myself, or at least the negative aspects of my character, and hold strong opinions about myself, based on my low self-worth. I was always decribed as 'self-sufficient', which is quite true - but in the same way that an old couple who hate each other stay together because they no nothing else. Just because I can quite happily be alone, does not mean that I am not lonely, or that I like being alone.
Today, I want to explore my attitudes to those who I think have harmed me, or damaged me along the way, and why this has happened. Most importantly, I want to try to understand what these things have taught me.
I have, for many years held great resentment against those who I feel robbed me of my carefree childhood, and of my ability to grow into a rounded adult. I have felt for a while now that my only defence against feeling inferior was to channel all of my efforts into being good at my career. This way I could gain approval from those who doubted me.
I have learnt over the past few weeks, owing to my own experience of redundancy, and a relationship breakdown, that my identity depends on more than a successful career. My relationships cannot have unconditional support and loyalty, in the way that my close family relationships have.
Those kids at school did not specifically have it in for me. Most of the time I was invisible to them anyway, as I hid myself away from them for most of my later time at school. In my case, disappearing is the best form of defence. If situations make me feel uncomfortable, I climb into my shell and hope that they go away. This is most unhealthy. I also am afraid to say what I think, in case my honesty, and assertiveness pushes people away.
So, what did those kids at school teach me? (the real answer is in italics)
1. Its not good to be different from the crowd.
Actually no. Children don't understand individuality - at early stages of development, they only know what they have been told is OK. This is why during my school years I was an outsider, and then whilst at Art college, where expression was encouraged, I felt part of something. What I didn't grasp is that it's OK to be different, as long as that difference does not offend or hurt anyone. If people don't understand, then it's up to me to explain why I think differently to them, or walk away. I should like what I am, and what I represent, and respect other's choices.
2. Because the kids at school didn't like me, no-one likes me.
Not true. I don't know whether the kids at school liked me or not. I never asked them! I was afraid of what they might say in return. They were probably very ambivalent towards me. I gave up on joining in with them, and didn't make the effort to be 'liked'. I retreated into what felt safe to me. People do like me, I have a number of loyal friends, dating back years. I have had relationships, and been in love a number of times. However, I have never been very good at maintaining those relationships - I have always relied on people making the effort with me. I'm not good at making the effort back.
3. Because I was bullied, I will always be inferior to everyone who is normal.
Wrong again. I am not inferior. The only person who keeps putting me down is me. Me internal bully sets the tempo and theme of my close relationships. I constantly have an anxiety that things will go wrong, in any situation, and of course this becomes an obsession, and then a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am intelligent, not horrible to look at, have a sense of humour, and have every opportunity for a successful career. I'm not a lost cause by any means. But my internal bully keeps telling me I am. My low self-esteem is eating away at me, and undermining the good things in my life.
4. I am not good at coping with things going wrong.
True, I'm not. In fact I'm terrible. If anything goes wrong, even a little thing, it can ruin my day, and I make damn sure that it ruins the day of anyone unlucky enough to be around me. I am very bad at reacting to negative situations. If I lose my job, it's all my fault, I blame myself, and it's a complete disaster. I can't see the bigger picture, only the worst case scenario. Any change, no matter how small or large, is an opportunity to grow. Life is about change. There are no constants, and the only person you can rely on to survive life events is, ultimately, yourself. There are no super-heroes to come and rescue you. But, you need to keep a level head, and be pro-active.
5. But I'm not pro-active....
This, I think stems from the period at school where I started a band with some friends. In that instance I was pro-active. I set up the rehearsals, picked the material, was the musical director, and so on....When it went wrong, I almost gave up on any activity that involved arranging things with other people. I either did my own thing on my own, or went along with others plans. I stopped striving for what I wanted to get out of something, or achieve. This is another symptom of low self-esteem - my drive left me. Over time, that drive has become non-existent, to the extent that I have little ambition left, and drift in and out of situations, with little or no control over the outcome. I don't yet know how, but I need to find a way of empowering myself.
6. People will always see through me, and find out my failings.
This is a terrible burden. I have felt this a lot recently. A relationship I have been in has failed, but we have still being seeing each other. We have mutual friends in the area in which I live, and a couple of weeks ago bumped into them. I felt that my ex-partner had told everyone every single failing of mine, and that everyone was looking at me and thinking 'what a loser'. It's the most awful feeling of self-hate. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, telling each other what a failure I have been to lose my relationship with their friend. This is most probably not the case, and I'm being paranoid. This is just the same as when I was being blanked at school. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, saying how worthless I was. They probably weren't, and were more likely to be taling about teenage stuff. But I felt that all eyes were on me, the freak-show. I still feel that now. When things go wrong, I feel that everyone I know is looking at me going 'he's done it again, the loser, screwed up'. This again is self-bullying. It's a mental form of self-harming, and possibly more damaging because it re-programmes the brain, and thought patterns into self-dillusion and ever deepening low self-esteem.
7. I have nothing to give anyone. I only take.
I think this stems from an unwillingness to give myself up to situations. I am very reserved. This is usually due to a fear of falling, or of failure. It's easier to stay on the sidelines, where it's safe. Worse than that, I am a great critic of others, without actually trying to do things myself. I fear losing myself in situations, such as in a relationship, friendship, or an activity, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me. I need approval, and need to do things that I feel I am good at, so that I don't look like a failure. This limits what I do with myself, and interactions with others. What is there to fear, other than fear itself? What is more life enriching? Giving things a go, wholeheartedly, to experience something new, and potentially exciting, or to watch others trying daring things, and criticising? What will I have to look back on when I am old? A steady job, a car and a nice house, or a rich life full of happiness and good memories?
8. I'm better off on my own, that way nothing can harm me.
Really? If that was the case, why am I pouring my heart out in this blog, and publishing it in cyberspace for everyone and their dog to read? If there ever was a need to reach out somehow, this was it. No-one is out to get me, or to deliberately harm me. In many respects, due to things not going my way, I have reverted back to that little boy, playing on his own because the nasty other kids have called him a horrible name, or broken his favourite toy. This is what mental programming does for you - when life gets tough, you revert to tried and tested behaviour. This is OK for a while, but is results in cyclic behavioural patterns. Something new happens, and it's good. You can't believe your luck. For a while you can't get enough of this new thing. Then you doubt your good fortune. Then you test the situation to see if it holds true. Then this brings up doubts as to whether it will last. Then you start to withdraw from the situation because its no longer easy to achieve success. Things change, and you react badly to that change. You withdraw effort, and resist change. Then it really does fail. Then you retreat back into your shell, ready for the next cycle. This pattern must somehow be broken, because thats the way I have lived most of my life, and whilst its OK to keep starting over when you are a child and an adolescent, there's only so many times you can do this as an adult, and in any case, I'm tired of starting over hoping for things to be different. Invariably they always end the same, because of my response to situations as they arise. This isn't self-bullying, by the way, this is a recognised pattern of my life, and especially in my close relationships with others. And a pattern that I would dearly like to break.
9. If only....
I was better looking. I had more money. I had a better job. I was good at football. He/she was more like me. I was popular.....Another pattern of mine. Buddhism teaches you that the only time you are able to experience is the present. The past is past, and although it has influenced you, and shaped you, it is the past, and can no longer effect you. The future is completely out of your control. You have no way of knowing what may happen, when or how. The only sure thing is the here and now. Every breath you inhale represents the present moment. You are living though it, and experiencing it, and as soon as you exhale, you have relegated the previous breath to the past, where it will always stay. One day there will be no new breath, and this stage of life will be over for you. In other words, if you are dwelling too much in the past (as I am here, in an effort to understand it, reconcile it, and then file it away), or think too much about the future (which I am very guilty of - the 'if only' effect), you can miss what's happening right now, in the present - the only time period you can positvely influence. I have spent so much time thinking 'if only' that the time has been and gone, and fundementally, nothing's really changed, other than I've lamented the time that has already been wasted in yearning for a better tomorrow, or wished for things to return to a time in which I felt happy. Ironically, this is usually the period of time before all of the bullying at school started, when I was happily playing at home in the early 70s. I am very nostalgic for that time, and not very good at embracing the new, the radical or the untried. I am not so good at recognising that these events are now in the past, and whilst its good to look back, it's today's experiences that will influence my future memories. I can't remember the last time I really had fun, in the true unabandoned way you do as a child. Nor can I remember a time when I achieved something I was really proud of. I was asked what I felt my greatest achievement was recently, and my response was based on work. I can't really think of anything from my personal life recently that has enriched me. This is part of longing for the better future that never comes - it only happens if you do something now towards that future.
10. Nobody loves me.
Well actually, a lot of people do. Except the most important person in my life. ME. Low self-esteem has robbed me of the ability to love, or even like myself. I am very poor at accepting praise from people, and am exceptionally modest about my abilities. I think that good things only come my way through chance, and that I don't deserve them. Or even worse, that I will fail in my task at hand, and be exposed as a pretender or loser. This lack of self-worth is severely limiting in many ways, and forms part of my need to limit my involvement in other people's lives. By staying aloof, I cannot be found out. I use humour to mask any need to really communicate with people meaningfully, or mock other people's afflictions to divert attention away from my own failings. In my later life, I have sometimes turned into the bully, ridiculing and belittling people as a way to bolster my own fragile ego, and as a way to join the 'group'. As with those who bullied me, I am actually ambivalent towards the target of my verbal abuse, but use it as a means of self-defence, to re-direct any scrutiny of myself away. I find myself thinking in these situations, 'you are no better than the person you are picking on - so why do it?' - the answer, because it feels good to not be on the receiving end for a change. This attitude is abominable, and makes me no better than the bullies at school. The abused turns abuser, first to themselves, and then others. How do you learn to love yourself? I'm not altogether sure if I'm honest. I'm quite happy in my own company, and will always find ways to occupy the time. I'm more uncomfortable around other people. I think I am quite in tune with myself, or at least the negative aspects of my character, and hold strong opinions about myself, based on my low self-worth. I was always decribed as 'self-sufficient', which is quite true - but in the same way that an old couple who hate each other stay together because they no nothing else. Just because I can quite happily be alone, does not mean that I am not lonely, or that I like being alone.
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