Finding Hodge

I haven't posted on here for a while - guess I've been too busy, and feeling too good! Well, I seem to be gradually finding Hodge again - I'm not quite there yet - and as my cousin said the other night, I'm on step one - there's 30 more steps to go yet!

The big breakthrough is that I've started writing music again - something that I haven't done for nearly 12 years. I've started writing lyrics, and I can feel the 'muse' returning! This is great news - a vital part of my identity is re-establishing itself.........more to follow!

My new mantra.......

Out of adversity comes triumph. Accept your situation, make the most of it, and wring out every opportunity. Look hard into any unexpected change in your life, and you'll find a rich seam of offers for enrichment.

Out of Adversity - A Triumph.....

There is an old saying that "out of adversity comes opportunity" - and I'm happy to say that that's definitely coming true for me.

The global recession has meant that I have lost my job twice in as many years. The toll on my self-esteem has been high - it has led to a two major depressive episodes, and, or so I though, the end of what had been a largely successful career in architecture.

Out of desperation I took a job miles away from home (I do a 3 hour round trip everyday), on a reduced salary, in a Home Improvement Agency - it's quite a departure.

At first I hated it. I resisted the change, loss of status and hated the location and the people. I was very critical, and tried my level best to leave. I was prepared to take quite unsuitable jobs, which would have bored me stupid, just to get out.

Then, slowly at first, and hardly noticeably, something started to change.

I started to accept my situation, and realised that there is a rich seam of opportunity within it.

I've now been there for 6 months. My colleagues all recognise me as a vital part of the team. My opinions matter, and my skills recognised. I am able to organise myself, and am autonomous. There is no criticism of my working practice.

My two colleagues are retiring, and look to me to take the department forward. For the first time ever, I will be driving the ship. My bosses are fully behind me, and are looking forward to the changes that they know I will implement. There will be a promotion, and more money. There will also be the opportunities, which I have tried to chase for over 5 years, to finally gain a recognised chartered status in my profession - which will enable me to cease feeling that I am an imposter, or a pretender, and which will validate me professionally.

We put on a day-long event yesterday for our contractors. I was asked to get up and give a talk about our work. I also did most of the presentation work. For the first time in months, I felt valued, and that my contribution mattered. And I really enjoyed doing it.

Of more value was the reaction of my colleagues. I got up and spoke in front of nearly 100 people (something I'm used to). I kept their interest, and even made them laugh....and gained the respect of my colleagues, many of whom came up to me later and said "that was impressive"......

Some of us went out for a drink afterwards, and, for the first time in ages, I felt relaxed, happy, outgoing and confident.

I can feel 'me' coming back to life......and I love what I'm finding.

I vant to be alone....

There are times when I find my life incredibly contradictory! I have been feeling back on top of things for a while - my sense of humour and fun has returned, I am enthusiastic about life again, and my curiosity has returned. In short, I'm having a great time, have got my mojo back, and am living for the first time in nearly a year!

So, why, oh why is it that just as I'm beginning to find myself again, do certain well-meaning people want to get me paired off with someone?!!?

I saw my parents last weekend - all they want is for me to meet a special someone....

A well-meaning but frankly meddling work colleague wants me to try internet dating (been there, done that, got the T-shirt)....

Another work colleague is dying for me to ask her out....

Another work colleague intimated the other day that I have many admirers....

I think another longstanding female friend may be flirting with me....

I've only just found ME again - the last thing I want to do at the moment is lose myself again by getting into another couple.

Oh no, I'm not rushing into that trap again in a hurry!

Sorry everyone - for once, this bird flies solo!

It's all starting to come together.....

I said at the beginning of this blog that the main purpose of writing it is to try and find out who I am, and what makes up my identity.

If you remember, my dilemma was that I had spent so long trying to please others that I had eroded my own identity to the point where I no longer knew who I was, what I represented or where I was going.

That lack of understanding of my own identity scared me - I felt like an empty vessel.

Of course, part of the reason for feeling that way was down to depression, the unraveling of my life (which it turns out was built on sand), and a lack of assertiveness on my part.

I'd allowed myself to be swallowed up in everybody else's grand plan, but had forgotten to formularise one of my own.

However, now that I am beginning to feel better about myself, I'm slowly starting to feel my identity coming back. As the title of this post says - it's all starting to come together.

The really good thing about this realisation is the potential that it offers. This really is a fresh chapter in my life, one which is completely unplanned, and one which can take me in whatever direction I choose.

I realise that no-one has the right to shape my life for me, and I no longer have to prove anything to anyone, other than myself.

It's tremendously liberating!

I feel like the 'reset' button has been pressed. I'm still me, just 'different'.

What I have found is that I am no longer prepared to put up with the mediocre. I can no longer tolerate people, activities or situations which do not suit me. This does not mean that I have closed off parts of my life. Not at all. I am simply more discerning in my choices.

I feel as though I have shifted up a gear, and that whatever has happened to me in the past has shaped a new me. I am the sum of my experience, knowledge and wisdom. I am unique. I have just as much right to a happy and fulfilled life as anyone else. I no longer have any reason to be ashamed of myself, or to hide myself away.

As I'm beginning to get to know the new me, I like it more and more.

It's still very early days, and I have a long way to go yet.

But I really do feel that it's starting to come together.......

Reasons to be cheerful....part 1

I've been feeling cautiously optimistic lately.

A number of factors have been behind this.

One is that a period of debilitating depression has finally lifted. I don't know for how long, but, for now it has gone, and I'm enjoying life again.

This in itself is a reason to be cheerful. Like opening the curtains after a long, cold night to see sunshine and to feel a warm breeze, coming out of depression makes you see the positive in everything, and gives you a reason to forge forward again.

Not a great deal has changed around me. I'm still me. I still live in the same place. I still have the same job, with its long commute, relatively low pay (compared with what I had before I got depressed) and its temporary nature.

The difference is that I now accept my situation for what it is. I don't try to fight it. I don't wish I was somewhere else, or wish that I was living the better days of my past. I now realise that I am in the present, and that I am empowered to shape my future into whatever I want it to be.

I am happy with who I am, what I surround myself with and what I represent.

I also recognise the power of possibility. I am free to do whatever I want with the rest of my life, who I chose to be with, and how I spend my resources, whether it be money, emotions, time or love.

The next chapter of my life begins everytime my head lifts from my pillow. No matter what frustrations today throws at me, tomorrow can always throw something different, whether it be better or worse.

The possibility of change is exciting, challenging and enriching. There will always be new things to learn and experience. There will be new people to meet.

This in itself is a reason to be cheerful - no matter how mundane the day might be, it's still unique, and I'm still developing.

Only forward.......

Learning To Be Happy With Less

In the West, we are pretty much programmed from birth to consume. Our well-being is tied up in 'if only I had that new car/house/handbag/mobile phone/games console I'd be happy'. Its an old, old paradox.

The yearning for a shiny new item of fluff becomes like a drug. It governs our every waking moment - the anticipation of how great life will be once we possess the object of our desire.

Eventually the day comes. The object of our desire is in our sweaty little hands. 'At last!' we think, 'my life will change for the better, now that I have my dream object!!'

However, after a few weeks parading our new paramour to friends and acquaintances, something odd, and highly disappointing happens.

The novelty wears off. All of a sudden our new shiny 'thing' looses it's lustre. We drop our new mobile phone and chip the casing, or we trip and scuff our new shoes. The new car gets dirty, or a scratch down the side....

The dream is over. On to the next object of our desire......

Marketing, advertising, peer pressure ('what do you mean your phone can't take pictures' - 'you like listening to vinyl records?'). Has made many in society yearn for the latest thing. It allows them to bond with others within their social strata, or to join a higher social group to which they aspire.

What many people in the West don't realise is that whatever we throw away ends up not in landfill, but in India, South America, China and so on, to be recycled. Often the work is carried out by young children, who live within the rubbish dumps filled with our old technological fashion faux pas.

The average computer circuit board contains heavy metals such as mercury, lead and cadmium. The old CRT TV sets we are frantically throwing out because they are 'old fashioned', also contain a large proportion of lead in their circuits.

And yet, there is no need to throw our old stuff away because it is just old-fashioned. As far as technology goes, major advancement in new technology slowed to a halt in the 1980s, with the introduction of inexpensive digital communication technology. Apart from wireless internet connections, I can't think of a single technological advancement made in the last 10 years that I can honestly say has seen lives in the West transformed in the same way as, for example, the invention of the telephone itself, or the introduction of affordable motoring.

In short, the 'advances' of the last 10 years or so amount to little more than technological flim flam, designed to con gullible consumers into believing that having a bigger, flat screen TV, or surround-sound speakers, or a device which allows them to store 3,000 of their favorite songs is going to enrich their lives. Believe me, they most certainly don't.

This probably makes me sound like a luddite. I'm not. I trained to be a product designer, my main aim being to produce the objects of desire of the future.

However, I'm all grown up now, and I can see that endlessly cycling product ranges has a negative effect on our society, ecology and mental wellbeing.

Looking around my house, I see all of the usual items we all take for granted - TV, VCR, Games Console, Hi-Fi, Microwave and so on....and I'm satisfied with all that I have. I don't yearn for more, newer, shinier, more fashionable bits of fluff.

I guess that having less income was originally the driver behind this ending of any desire to accumulate more stuff. I have to make what I have last longer, and I have to be more prudent in my choices in the first place to ensure that my money goes further.

The unexpected effect is a kind of contentment in knowing that I have all I need, that I'm happy with what I have, and that through a longterm interaction with the items I have around me, an enjoyment in using the familiar, and knowing that it works well.

It also means that I am able to tap into the world that many feel is inferior. That of the secondhand. I stopped buying brand new stuff sometime ago, again mainly through lack of funds to buy new. And I'm delighted to take on other's castoffs. I'm also glad that I have saved a number of perfectly good consumer items ending up on a rubbish tip in Mumbai.

I've rambled on a little, with no real structure on this post.

I guess the message to you is - think carefully about what you buy.

Buy the best quality (new or used) that you can.

Question whether the device you are buying is really going to change your life (I'm thinking of those who upgrade mobile phones every 3 months, only to still have a device that receives and makes phone calls!!).

Think even harder about what will happen to your discarded (and probably perfectly serviceable) old items.

Even better, learn to be happy with less!

A tribute to a dear departed friend

Blimey, it really is a time for goodbyes, this New Year.

I found out on New Year's Eve that a dear friend of mine had died suddenly. He was a man who I met through my old job, about 5 years ago. We hit it off immediately.

He was much older than me, but had a youthful spirit, and a twinkle in his eye that meant that he very much saw life as something you must grasp with both hands and live as if it could end at any moment. He had a stroke about 10 years ago, and had made pretty much a full recovery, and he was determined to live it to the full.

He lived in a village in Northamptonshire, the same one he was born in, and his love for the place was inspiring. He lived with his wife in a beautiful 17th century house, where we shared many evenings, and bottles of wine, sat by a log fire.

His stories about his life were nothing short of being 'ripping yarns', full of adventure, travel and joy.

His wisdom and knowledge of just about everything was vast, and never dull. He would entertain us for hours, on any subject.

His love and generosity was legendary, as was his compassion. Many a time he was on hand to encourage us when times got hard, a relationship hit the buffers, or work got too stressful.

He lived for his lovely wife, family, grandchildren and his beloved horses and dogs.

But above all else he loved good food and drink. He was a walking encyclopedia of recipes, ingredients, good wines and his favorite tipple, single malt (of which he kept various bottles hidden in the shed, so his wife wouldn't find them - she always did, but turned a blind eye!).

I will always be proud to call him my friend, and I miss him greatly.

Fly away little bird

My ex-girlfriend has been travelling and volunteering in India and Nepal for the last 6 months. Her going away hurt so much at first, I thought I may never recover from it. But, deep down I knew that she would never return, that once she gained her confidence, she would make it her life's mission to keep moving.

Our alliance was only ever going to be temporary, and deep down I knew it. That knowledge always meant that deep down I always held something back, out of self-preservation. At the time it was the catalyst for our parting. In hindsight, it was precisely the right thing to do, adding the old adage, 'if you love someone, set them free'.

I've encountered many different people during my life, some good, some downright boring, and some toxic. My ex-girlfriend is something very special. A true free spirit, who knows her own mind, is full of guts and determination, and has a heart as big as a mountain.

I may never see her again, or even hear from her, but I know she'll be more than ok out there in the big, wide world.

And I wish her nothing but love, peace, happiness and fulfillment, wherever she finds it.

Fly free my little bird.

If I didn't have bad luck......

The old blues song tells us that if 'I didn't have bad luck..I'd have no luck at all'.....

I used to believe this. Call me older and wiser, but I'm beginning to see that it's maybe not true. Everything has a cause and effect - we make our own luck, as a result of our actions, or, as a result of unplanned events happening around us, over which we have little or no control.

Luck doesn't come into it - but maybe circumstance does!

You remember some months ago I posted about my 90 year old Granddad. He reckons he survived the war because of chance - his entire regiment was wiped out. He survived because he was seconded to drive a superior officer to another outpost on the day that his regiment was moved on. When he returned from his duty, they'd moved on. Later he found out that they'd all been wiped out. Luck? No, circumstance. My Granddad was required for another mission, and was elsewhere. Serendipity? perhaps - maybe it just wasn't his time.

Whatever you can attribute his survival to, he was meant to stay, and live the rest of his life. Maybe it taught him a life lesson - not to take anything for granted.

All of the trials and tribulations of the last few months are having a similar effect on me - I'm beginning to see that all that has happened over the last year, no matter how hard to take, have all happened for good reason.

Maybe I was sleep-walking through my life, excepting everything that was handed out to me without question, doing what was expected of me, and not doing what was right for me.

Perhaps I was still looking for acceptance from someone.

Anyway, the moral of this experience is that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, and no matter how bad things seem, if you learn something valuable from it, then it's been a good experience. And anyway, if you want things to improve, they will - provided you put the effort in, and stay true to yourself.

Bad luck? Nah - just experience.

The ghost of Christmas future....

I had a disconcerting, and also uplifting glimpse into a possible future this week.

My new job puts me in contact with what may be classed as 'leftover people'. These are the people that society has forgotten. If you like, they've fallen through the cracks, and are just there, existing, drifting though indifference.

I met one such 'exister' yesterday.

I work for an agency which provides a service, refurbishing and updating housing to meet a decent standard. I have met all sorts of people through this, all with one major thing in common - they've given up on themselves.

This particular individual lives with his brother, who has a low mental age, in a property they have inherited from their parents. I was called in because it was believed that a rogue trader was attempting to rip these two hapless men off, through bogus repairs, and ultimately through a deal in which the brothers sign over their property to them, in order to live as 'tenants'.

The gentleman I met has a drink problem, and, when we knocked on the door, a ramshackle individual eventually answered, then promptly fell over. Myself and a colleague had to help him to a chair, both of us holding on to him. He'd been drinking all day, watching cricket.

As his story unfolded it was obvious that this man was not ignorant of the facts, by any means. He'd travelled, held down a good job, and he'd in the past carried out some good work on his property.

But, it became increasingly obvious that this is a front. The years of abuse through excessive drinking had robbed him of his dignity and common-sense, and he is now easy prey for the conmen that feed on the weak.

I examined the house - the conmen wanted money from him to repair the roof. I found nothing wrong with it, except for a few loose slates. The conmen wanted £4000 off him, which they were prepared to 'write-off' as part of the deeds transfer.

Each time we tried to steer the conversation around to what was happening to him, the man would change the subject, or swig at his beer.

Eventually we spelled it out - the conmen want your house, at a fraction of it's worth, to sell on, whether you are tenants or not - in other words, they risk being turfed out onto the street. Finally the penny dropped.

The man's brother came home during our meeting. A very simple man, quiet, in a world of his own. We couldn't get through to him. His brother did, in a fashion, and both agreed to let us help.

They had been sold down the river on the back of a few cans of lager, and the promise of a few easy quid. Shocking, in a so-called civilised country, in the 21st century.

The whole sordid affair reminded me of a Dickensian tale of betrayal, and of exploitation of people who felt they no longer had choices.

It was a stark lesson.

Stark in so much that I realised that during my depressive periods, when my only comfort was a can of beer, when I stopped caring, when I gave up on myself, I was slowly turning into the poor, desparate man sat in front of me. He was oblivious. When I was at my worst, so was I.

And so, I liken this experience to that of Ebeneezer Scrooge, when he is shown the outcome of his behaviour. I saw myself, in 20 years time, sat in front of the TV all day with only beer for company, and only alcoholic aneasthesia for comfort.

It's so easy to roll over and give up on yourself, your talent, your promise, and accept easy pleasures as a way of numbing yourself to the loss of your youth.

And I realise how perilously close I was to following that path.

The uplifting side of all of this is that the experience gave me a jolt. It told me, 'this could happen to you if you let it - but you still have time to prevent it - you are still in control'. In a strange way it gave me a feeling of optimism.

Maybe I had to see what rock-bottom feels like, so that I can appreciate what I have now, and can have if I make it so. Perhaps all that has happened recently is serving to show me something, just like Marley's ghost does to Scrooge. I now strongly believe that I have to go through this in order to grow and learn how dark life can be when you give up on yourself.

I want my ghost of Christmas present to be the one who opens up the doors, lets the good stuff in, and buys Tiny Tim a turkey.

And herein lies a lesson for us all.

Letting Go

Ring out the old ring in the new.....

I haven't posted for a while - I've been busy with a new job, after a period of unemployment. It's not been the easiest period of my life by a long chalk, but I'm finally coming to the end of it, and it's time to start thinking again about the future, and what that may hold.

The original aim of this blog was to try to find out who I am, what makes me tick, and to try and rediscover a childlike curiosity about life, the universe, etc, etc.

I'd love to be able to say that I have some answers, but I'm afraid that, at the moment they elude me.

All I do know is that the past is gone. It's just dust, photographs and memories, good or bad. The future is as yet unknown - it's not mapped out for us, much as we would love it to be. People spend hundreds of thousands of pounds consulting psychics, fortune tellers, palm-readers and the like, in order to find out what their future holds, to give them something to hold out for, to look forward to, or to avoid. The truth is, no-one knows what outside, uncontrollable event may come to scupper their plans.

The only time frame anyone can control is right now. This moment. As soon as you think about it, it's already gone, consigned to history.

Ignorance is bliss. Ignorance of the future is also bliss.

However, and more importantly, our past influences our future, and our present much more than we might think. Every decision we make, the way we present ourselves to the rest of the world is influenced by our past. We become conditioned into a way of acting, thinking and being based upon what has, or has not worked for us before. Nurture.

This is sometimes a good thing. It stops us from walking out in front of a bus, because knowlege tells us that we could get hurt. We don't go to see a particular film, or eat particular foods because we tried them in the past, and they did not agree with us.

Unfortunately though, this behaviour can have a limiting effect, and, if we are not careful can end up with us not doing anything that takes us outside of our safety zone. If we're not careful we can end up wrapped in a bubble.

And this is where this little preamble is taking me. I've wrapped myself up in a big, soft comfortable blanket. I take no risks. Nothing can hurt me. I'm safe.

But I'm also half dead. Doing the same old things with the same outcomes. Round and round in ever decreasing circles. Things start off the same way, and inevitably finish the same way, because my approach to whatever it may be, work, romance, friendships, is the same.

I don't wholeheartedly put myself into the situation, or I deliberately sabotage it before it can go too far, or I simply opt out when it gets difficult.

No more of this. I've had enough of it.

I need to live again, and not be half-dead.

Time to take some risks in my life and see where that takes me, instead of always playing it safe.

Where's My Motivation Here?

Motivation. We all struggle with it from time to time. Sometimes things go so easily, and we're all fired up to achieve things. At other times we just can't get started.

I'm really struggling to inspire myself to do things that I am more than capable of, and that once I've got them done will give me a sense of achievement. I guess the problem is that at the back of my mind I'm thinking, who am I doing this for? Well, of course the answer is, me.

Doesn't help though. You see, the problem with losing your identity is that you also lose drive. It seems easier to help others with their tasks than it is to carry out your own. For instance, with my ex-girlfriend, I would happily spend weekends going with her to art exhibitions, reading her essays and helping to set up exhibitions. Yet, when it came to doing my house up (which is a way that I can express my creativity and skill), I simply can't find the motivation to do it.

This to me is symptomatic of loss of identity. I have spent so long marching to the beat of other's drums that I have lost my own beat. What motivates me to get out of bed in the morning? Well, usually, work. However, being made redundant means that this motivation is temporarily gone. I should be getting on with doing the house up, but watching daytime TV and noodling round the net is so much more satisfying! However, it also means that I am wasting my time. All the time.

What would I like to be doing with my time? Well, getting the house finished for a start. I've been working on it on and off for over a year, and have another year's worth of work to do. All I can see stretching forward into the immediate future is weekends spent up to my eyes in dust and paint. Joy.

What would I rather be doing instead? I used to write music, and play the piano. I haven't touched the piano in over 3 years, it's gathering dust. I am very interested in art, and have always said that given the chance, I'd love to try painting - it's something I never really got into at art college, but I have had a taste for it in the last 2 years with my ex (she is an artist), and have always liked the idea of having some of my original artwork on the walls of my (yet to be finished) home. I'm enjoying writing this blog, maybe I'd like to write some more stuff. I like cycling, swimming, and despite the problems with my legs during childhood, running, but can I be arsed? I used to like walking, and was a member of a group - can I be bothered to join another one, even though I know it will do me good, and I'll meet some new friends into the bargain? Nope. I'm not even listening to music anymore - even though I have a large collection of music, and a couple of years ago bought the Hi-Fi I always wanted - it's also gathering dust.

I'd like to travel more - I've been to the US, Sweden, Italy, Taiwan and Hong Kong, and found all these experiences highly enjoyable. But can I motivate myself to save up to go away somewhere (Bibao is top of the list). No. Apathy has taken over.

Is this due to my lack of identity? As I said in my earlier posts, I have lost sight of who I am, and have lost my ambitions. I seem to be stuck in a rut of work, housework, DIY and shopping, only punctuated by trips to the pub now and again, which only leave me with a hangover, and bouts of depression. How did it come to this?

I seem to have become ground down, and stuck in a cycle of behaviour that marks me as lazy in my own mind. This feeds the inner bully - it likes to have something to pick on me for, and idling the time away is perfect for it. In effect I keep myself down, where its safe, where I don't have to put myself on the line.

I've got so wrapped up in my bubble that I sometimes find it difficult to even leave the house, or answer the phone. Its easier not having to relate to people. With one group of friends I regularly see, we always go to the same place, have the same conversation, eat the same crappy junk food afterwards, and then repeat it again the following week. It's boring....and it's making me boring!

Sorry if this sound like a whine from an over-indulgent teenager, but I am feeling so bloody frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for life. It's all out there, but I seem to be stuck in here, wishing I was out there experiencing life, instead of being on hold.

What am I putting myself on hold for? Usually it was a new relationship - I needed to have someone around to kick me up the arse from time to time. Thats gone now. I'm on my own for the time being. So what am I doing with my new-found independence? Sod all.

There's absolutely no reason for me to be on hold. I'm not holding out for anything. And all that would happen when someone or something came along would be that I'd been out of circulation for so long that I wouldn't have anything to contribute. Or say even.

The link between good self-esteem and identity comes through what you do with your time. If you do nothing, you start to believe that you can do nothing, so you do even less. Then, when something comes along that needs your input, you just sit there opening and closing your mouth and looking scared, because you forgot how to do stuff.

The really stupid thing is that, when I have applied myself, and put the effort in, I've been extremely pleased with the results, and for a time this has boosted my confidence. But never enough for me to believe in myself.

I am sure I can do anything I put my mind to. If I can be bothered.

Art College - I Found Hodge At Last

Some people reckon that your schooldays are your happiest. I don't. I regard my time at Art College as my happiest time. It was here that I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, and in control of my future.

The first few months were a great time of experimentation. We tried out all of the various types of art and design activities offered, so that students could find the area in which they wanted to specialise. I already knew what I wanted to do, but tried everything out. I didn't always understand what it was I was meant to be doing, and sometimes did not try things wholeheartedly, but nevertheless had a great time.

For the first time in years I felt that I belonged. I made friends with the other students, and socialised a little, going to parties and to the pub. I even found my first serious girlfriend. I fell deeply in love with her, and it was with her that I lost my virginity. We had sometimes where we were able to be alone, and it felt great to be that close to someone.

I nearly failed my first year, because I was letting having a good time interfere with study. I remember turning up to a crit drunk after spending all lunch time in the pub. The lecturer took me aside and told me that I had talent, and that I shouldn't throw it away. I worked harder.

Things with my girlfriend got too intense. We got 'engaged'. She had some problems at home with an overbearing step-father. I thought I could rescue her and became her support network. She'd also come to me following a break-up with an abusive boyfriend. I didn't know it, but I was her 'rebound' boyfriend. Inevitably it was doomed, but I clung on, becoming more and more possessive and moody. I eventually became so frustrated at the situation that I lashed out at her verbally, and she called it a day. I was not the same again for sometime, and I stayed away from having relationships for nearly 4 years after that. It took me a long time to get over her rejection. I felt like a 14 year old again.

So, I poured all of my energy into my work. I worked late, often later than my fellow students. I took my work very seriously. I was determined to be a great designer. I did twice as much work as everybody else, and pushed myself hard.

I was a very serious young man. I was always passionate about design, and my second love, music, and would be very critical of things that I did not agree with. I nurtured my individuality, and became a very snappy dresser (or so I though!). My idols were the German designers and artists of the Modernist era, and I modelled my dress on them. I took to wearing round glasses, and wearing very smart clothes. I had a close friend at the time who was equally obsessed, and we spent a lot of time analysing design and music. I felt that I belonged to an exclusive club, and I loved it.

When the time came to choose a University place, I chose Newcastle, as far as I could get from home, and my unhappy school days. I wanted a completely new start.

The end of the course came, and because of all the work I'd done, I gained a Distinction, and high praise from the External Moderator. Some of the other students resented this, and my place at Newcastle (another student, more popular than me went for a place and wasn't offered one, and with a friend started to spread malicious gossip). This made me feel awkward. I'd done nothing to these people. I had not been arrogant, and had praised their work where I felt they'd done well. I didn't understand.

Luckily, my close friends were supportive, and told me that the other students were just being jealous. I remember that during my last few days, a few came up and wished me well. One particular girl, who I had always fancied, but never felt was in my league told me that she had always liked me, and that had I not have been with my girlfriend, we could have got together. That made me feel very good about myself, and I never forgot her, or what she had said.

A Wish For Someone Dear

'I wish for you a world of simplicity and compassion,
Tenderness that's always new,
And that there is no limit to what you are'.

Rebirth

What do I mean by rebirth? Is it possible to be reborn halfway through your lifetime? Or, are we shackled by our past, our upbringing and our beliefs?

I am coming to the end of what has been a particularly painful period in my life. Through it I have lost my job, seen a significant and intense relationship come to an end, and battled the deepest depression I have ever felt.

What have I learned from this, and how can it help with my rebirth?

Well, the first major life lesson I have learnt is that its unhealthy to cling onto situations that are no longer of use. I have worked in a particular profession for the last 7 years, and although it has seen me scale new heights, and learn valuable skills, it has also brought with it untold stress, frustration and feelings of helplessness. I have let the tide take me wherever it chose, and sometimes into waters that have found me struggling to stay afloat.

Its now time to assess what I really want out of my career. Should I accept the status quo, or should I strive for what I truly believe in? Redundancy has been a real eye-opener for me. I have been in this situation before, but never like this. The lack of work in my profession (architecture) is staggering. Most of my ex-colleagues have lost their jobs, and I feel especially sorry for those who chose to study for 7 years, often whilst holding down careers and raising families, only to find themselves unemployed. They chose this profession as their vocation. I did not. So, without any regret, I have decided to walk away from architecture as my career, and to focus on what really interests me. Quite how this will manifest itself is determined by the job opportunities out there, but I think that my time as a member of the architectural profession has come to an end. I am now trying to follow my vocation, which is design. I have applied for a lecturing post at a local university. I hope that this brings forth a much-needed change in direction for me.

As for relationships, I have lost someone who was especially dear to me. This person is very special to me, and although we are no longer together, and although our separation has been heart-breaking for me, I still have strong feelings for this person. For the first time I am able to let someone go, without any malice, the only regret being that we couldn't hold it together. I do not regret any aspect of our relationship, because it has enabled me to learn so much about myself, and in the process has led me to this point in time. I will always be grateful for the relationship for that reason. The woman I was involved with is going away for a year to travel. I wish her well, and hope that she is kept safe, and that the experience is everything she hopes for.

As for me, well I guess that I am embarking on my own journey, to find myself, and to expell some demons that live within me, hopefully for good.

The other life event that has unfolded has been a deep and long-lasting depression, which has made me re-evaluate everything within my life, and to try to make some far-reaching changes to my attitude to life. I am only just beginning to feel better, so my journey is only just beginning, but I am already optimistic for my future. It is liberating to finally realise that the only thing that has ever held me back is me, and that it is completely within my power to make the changes needed. I am feeling much more centered in that knowledge.

The next year will represent a water-shed period in time, where I shall finally emerge from within my shadow, and hopefully open up and embrace experiences for what they really are. I have some way to go to re-discover the child-like curiosity I would like to experience, but, as the old saying goes, 'every day is a school day'!

Letter to my younger self.....

I've just read an illuminating article about Zoe Lewis, who suffered from mild depression for 20 years without realising it. Eventually, at the insistence of a concerned friend, she went to group therapy. One of the tools used was to write a letter to her younger self, at a stage where she had suffered trauma as a child. I'm going to try that here, writing to myself at approximately age 14, at the stage where I was being alienated at school.....

Dear Simon,

You don't know me yet. I am you in 23 years time. I know you extremely well. I used to be you. I know that you are unhappy at the moment at school because everybody is ignoring you.

It's not nice to feel so alone, especially when you have to try to find somewhere to sit in a class of 30 people who don't want you to sit next to them. Try not to let this get to you. The other children do not know any better. You see Simon, children don't know their own opinions, or how their behaviour effects others, especially sensitive children like you. Its not your fault.

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive, it shows great care of others, compassion and gentleness. These are admirable skills to have. However, when your sensitivity allows people to press your buttons because they want a particular response from you - in your case, they want tears, or a tantrum, it can become a burden. I am not suggesting for a minute that you harden up, that would be such a shame because your sensitivity can be a great attribute. But, Simon, you need to learn to react differently to anxiety, because there is a risk that later on in life, you will meet far bigger demons than a classroom of 14 year olds, and how you deal with them can have profound effects on your life ahead.

I know that when it gets too much, you go to the music room and play the piano. Being alone means that the other kids can't get to you. They are too busy outside in the sun. Wouldn't you like to be outside enjoying the sunshine? And the same at home, always drawing. It's good to be good at something, and I can tell you that you will make a good living from drawing. But it can't be everything. You must have balance in your life.

You also must have friendship. I know that at the moment you don't really have any close friends, but you will when you are older. You will have friendships that endure many years, and which you will find enriching. However, in order to make friends, you need to make an effort.

I know that right now, you are happy with your mom and dad, and your grandparents. Sad to say, they won't always be around. You will have times when you are away from home. Eventually they will pass away. It will be hard to take, but you must cherish the time you have with them.

Finally, Simon, try not to be disheartened. None of this is your fault. You are a good, warm-hearted child with much talent, and you will do well for yourself in your future life.

Just please, don't hide yourself away hoping that things will get better. Show the world how good you are at your music and your drawings, and make friends. Achieve balance in your life. Its not all about studying for a good career, or making your parents proud of you.

You only get one chance at your life Simon. Grasp whatever opportunities are shown to you, and live your life to the fullest. Then, when you are true to yourself, people will want to be your friend, and you will not be so alone.

I love you very much, and I look forward to hearing of all the fun you have had on your journey to adulthood.

Much love,

Future Simon.

The Path to Forgiveness

I haven't posted for a while. There have been various reasons for this, which I won't go into here. I found creating my chronicle of my earlier years cathartic, and I will return to it later.

Today, I want to explore my attitudes to those who I think have harmed me, or damaged me along the way, and why this has happened. Most importantly, I want to try to understand what these things have taught me.

I have, for many years held great resentment against those who I feel robbed me of my carefree childhood, and of my ability to grow into a rounded adult. I have felt for a while now that my only defence against feeling inferior was to channel all of my efforts into being good at my career. This way I could gain approval from those who doubted me.

I have learnt over the past few weeks, owing to my own experience of redundancy, and a relationship breakdown, that my identity depends on more than a successful career. My relationships cannot have unconditional support and loyalty, in the way that my close family relationships have.

Those kids at school did not specifically have it in for me. Most of the time I was invisible to them anyway, as I hid myself away from them for most of my later time at school. In my case, disappearing is the best form of defence. If situations make me feel uncomfortable, I climb into my shell and hope that they go away. This is most unhealthy. I also am afraid to say what I think, in case my honesty, and assertiveness pushes people away.



So, what did those kids at school teach me? (the real answer is in italics)

1. Its not good to be different from the crowd.

Actually no. Children don't understand individuality - at early stages of development, they only know what they have been told is OK. This is why during my school years I was an outsider, and then whilst at Art college, where expression was encouraged, I felt part of something. What I didn't grasp is that it's OK to be different, as long as that difference does not offend or hurt anyone. If people don't understand, then it's up to me to explain why I think differently to them, or walk away. I should like what I am, and what I represent, and respect other's choices.

2. Because the kids at school didn't like me, no-one likes me.

Not true. I don't know whether the kids at school liked me or not. I never asked them! I was afraid of what they might say in return. They were probably very ambivalent towards me. I gave up on joining in with them, and didn't make the effort to be 'liked'. I retreated into what felt safe to me. People do like me, I have a number of loyal friends, dating back years. I have had relationships, and been in love a number of times. However, I have never been very good at maintaining those relationships - I have always relied on people making the effort with me. I'm not good at making the effort back.

3. Because I was bullied, I will always be inferior to everyone who is normal.

Wrong again. I am not inferior. The only person who keeps putting me down is me. Me internal bully sets the tempo and theme of my close relationships. I constantly have an anxiety that things will go wrong, in any situation, and of course this becomes an obsession, and then a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am intelligent, not horrible to look at, have a sense of humour, and have every opportunity for a successful career. I'm not a lost cause by any means. But my internal bully keeps telling me I am. My low self-esteem is eating away at me, and undermining the good things in my life.

4. I am not good at coping with things going wrong.

True, I'm not. In fact I'm terrible. If anything goes wrong, even a little thing, it can ruin my day, and I make damn sure that it ruins the day of anyone unlucky enough to be around me. I am very bad at reacting to negative situations. If I lose my job, it's all my fault, I blame myself, and it's a complete disaster. I can't see the bigger picture, only the worst case scenario. Any change, no matter how small or large, is an opportunity to grow. Life is about change. There are no constants, and the only person you can rely on to survive life events is, ultimately, yourself. There are no super-heroes to come and rescue you. But, you need to keep a level head, and be pro-active.

5. But I'm not pro-active....

This, I think stems from the period at school where I started a band with some friends. In that instance I was pro-active. I set up the rehearsals, picked the material, was the musical director, and so on....When it went wrong, I almost gave up on any activity that involved arranging things with other people. I either did my own thing on my own, or went along with others plans. I stopped striving for what I wanted to get out of something, or achieve. This is another symptom of low self-esteem - my drive left me. Over time, that drive has become non-existent, to the extent that I have little ambition left, and drift in and out of situations, with little or no control over the outcome. I don't yet know how, but I need to find a way of empowering myself.


6. People will always see through me, and find out my failings.


This is a terrible burden. I have felt this a lot recently. A relationship I have been in has failed, but we have still being seeing each other. We have mutual friends in the area in which I live, and a couple of weeks ago bumped into them. I felt that my ex-partner had told everyone every single failing of mine, and that everyone was looking at me and thinking 'what a loser'. It's the most awful feeling of self-hate. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, telling each other what a failure I have been to lose my relationship with their friend. This is most probably not the case, and I'm being paranoid. This is just the same as when I was being blanked at school. I felt that everyone was talking about me behind my back, saying how worthless I was. They probably weren't, and were more likely to be taling about teenage stuff. But I felt that all eyes were on me, the freak-show. I still feel that now. When things go wrong, I feel that everyone I know is looking at me going 'he's done it again, the loser, screwed up'. This again is self-bullying. It's a mental form of self-harming, and possibly more damaging because it re-programmes the brain, and thought patterns into self-dillusion and ever deepening low self-esteem.


7. I have nothing to give anyone. I only take.


I think this stems from an unwillingness to give myself up to situations. I am very reserved. This is usually due to a fear of falling, or of failure. It's easier to stay on the sidelines, where it's safe. Worse than that, I am a great critic of others, without actually trying to do things myself. I fear losing myself in situations, such as in a relationship, friendship, or an activity, because I'm afraid of what people might think of me. I need approval, and need to do things that I feel I am good at, so that I don't look like a failure. This limits what I do with myself, and interactions with others. What is there to fear, other than fear itself? What is more life enriching? Giving things a go, wholeheartedly, to experience something new, and potentially exciting, or to watch others trying daring things, and criticising? What will I have to look back on when I am old? A steady job, a car and a nice house, or a rich life full of happiness and good memories?

8. I'm better off on my own, that way nothing can harm me.

Really? If that was the case, why am I pouring my heart out in this blog, and publishing it in cyberspace for everyone and their dog to read? If there ever was a need to reach out somehow, this was it. No-one is out to get me, or to deliberately harm me. In many respects, due to things not going my way, I have reverted back to that little boy, playing on his own because the nasty other kids have called him a horrible name, or broken his favourite toy. This is what mental programming does for you - when life gets tough, you revert to tried and tested behaviour. This is OK for a while, but is results in cyclic behavioural patterns. Something new happens, and it's good. You can't believe your luck. For a while you can't get enough of this new thing. Then you doubt your good fortune. Then you test the situation to see if it holds true. Then this brings up doubts as to whether it will last. Then you start to withdraw from the situation because its no longer easy to achieve success. Things change, and you react badly to that change. You withdraw effort, and resist change. Then it really does fail. Then you retreat back into your shell, ready for the next cycle. This pattern must somehow be broken, because thats the way I have lived most of my life, and whilst its OK to keep starting over when you are a child and an adolescent, there's only so many times you can do this as an adult, and in any case, I'm tired of starting over hoping for things to be different. Invariably they always end the same, because of my response to situations as they arise. This isn't self-bullying, by the way, this is a recognised pattern of my life, and especially in my close relationships with others. And a pattern that I would dearly like to break.

9. If only....

I was better looking. I had more money. I had a better job. I was good at football. He/she was more like me. I was popular.....Another pattern of mine. Buddhism teaches you that the only time you are able to experience is the present. The past is past, and although it has influenced you, and shaped you, it is the past, and can no longer effect you. The future is completely out of your control. You have no way of knowing what may happen, when or how. The only sure thing is the here and now. Every breath you inhale represents the present moment. You are living though it, and experiencing it, and as soon as you exhale, you have relegated the previous breath to the past, where it will always stay. One day there will be no new breath, and this stage of life will be over for you. In other words, if you are dwelling too much in the past (as I am here, in an effort to understand it, reconcile it, and then file it away), or think too much about the future (which I am very guilty of - the 'if only' effect), you can miss what's happening right now, in the present - the only time period you can positvely influence. I have spent so much time thinking 'if only' that the time has been and gone, and fundementally, nothing's really changed, other than I've lamented the time that has already been wasted in yearning for a better tomorrow, or wished for things to return to a time in which I felt happy. Ironically, this is usually the period of time before all of the bullying at school started, when I was happily playing at home in the early 70s. I am very nostalgic for that time, and not very good at embracing the new, the radical or the untried. I am not so good at recognising that these events are now in the past, and whilst its good to look back, it's today's experiences that will influence my future memories. I can't remember the last time I really had fun, in the true unabandoned way you do as a child. Nor can I remember a time when I achieved something I was really proud of. I was asked what I felt my greatest achievement was recently, and my response was based on work. I can't really think of anything from my personal life recently that has enriched me. This is part of longing for the better future that never comes - it only happens if you do something now towards that future.

10. Nobody loves me.

Well actually, a lot of people do. Except the most important person in my life. ME. Low self-esteem has robbed me of the ability to love, or even like myself. I am very poor at accepting praise from people, and am exceptionally modest about my abilities. I think that good things only come my way through chance, and that I don't deserve them. Or even worse, that I will fail in my task at hand, and be exposed as a pretender or loser. This lack of self-worth is severely limiting in many ways, and forms part of my need to limit my involvement in other people's lives. By staying aloof, I cannot be found out. I use humour to mask any need to really communicate with people meaningfully, or mock other people's afflictions to divert attention away from my own failings. In my later life, I have sometimes turned into the bully, ridiculing and belittling people as a way to bolster my own fragile ego, and as a way to join the 'group'. As with those who bullied me, I am actually ambivalent towards the target of my verbal abuse, but use it as a means of self-defence, to re-direct any scrutiny of myself away. I find myself thinking in these situations, 'you are no better than the person you are picking on - so why do it?' - the answer, because it feels good to not be on the receiving end for a change. This attitude is abominable, and makes me no better than the bullies at school. The abused turns abuser, first to themselves, and then others. How do you learn to love yourself? I'm not altogether sure if I'm honest. I'm quite happy in my own company, and will always find ways to occupy the time. I'm more uncomfortable around other people. I think I am quite in tune with myself, or at least the negative aspects of my character, and hold strong opinions about myself, based on my low self-worth. I was always decribed as 'self-sufficient', which is quite true - but in the same way that an old couple who hate each other stay together because they no nothing else. Just because I can quite happily be alone, does not mean that I am not lonely, or that I like being alone.

Life Begins at 90

My grandad turned 90 this week. He is still active, still loves life and is on the whole happy. We joked today that if he was a super-hero, his special power would be pottering. He loves to potter. His garden shed is an alladin's cave of items he has collected over the last 60 years. He is a war veteran, and was involved in the D-Day landings. By sheer luck he survived the war, and it's cruel mental torture, and settled to a simple life as a driver. He married a beautiful woman when she was 19, and they have had 66 years of happily married life. He is a simple man, but a deeply thoughtful and loving man. He still loves life, and although he is no longer able to do some of things he has always enjoyed, still lives everyday to the full.

He is one twins, not identical, most certainly not in character. His twin brother also celebrated his 90th birthday, with all of us, but he is a shell. He gave up on life many years ago, and just exists. He has not enjoyed the best of health, losing an eye, and a leg to illness. He lives in a residential home, and sits most days in his chair. He has no interests.

However, both brothers are devoted to each other, and I know that when one goes, the other will be completely broken.

Interestingly, his nephew made a simple, and quite moving speech in tribute to both men. In it he said how their life was so much simpler, so much slower than our pressurised lives today. We are so charged with the need to achieve and accumulate that we have forgotten simple pleasures. My grandfather is testament to the need to just live the life that suits him, and to be satisfied with his lot. That makes him a very lucky man.

My grandfather is one of the kindest men I'll ever know, and I love him dearly. I was so proud to see him today, surrounded by his family, his 2 daughters, and the miriad of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He is humble, but, oh so lucky, and so rich in life experience. I love him.

Teenage years - Part 2

At the age of 13 I also had to start wearing glasses. All those years spent bent over drawings in my room at home had made me short-sighted. I was only supposed to wear glasses for reading, but for some reason I took to wearing them all the time. One of my heroes has always been John Lennon, and I guess it was my way of being more like him (!?). The other kids by now were 'casuals'. Tachini and Fila roll-necks and Nike jackets became the fashion in the playground. My parents would not buy me these clothes, and I wore a lot of Asda clothes, and worst of all, home-knitted jumpers and cardigans. In order to please my mom, I let her choose things for me. Whenever I got my own way and persuaded my parents to buy me sonething in fashion, they always got the wrong colour, or the wrong style. I still did not fit in. No big deal you might think, and perhaps I was being a spoiled brat, but having the right 'uniform' counts with fashion concious teenagers. Because I still did not socialise with kids my own age, I had no idea what to wear outside of school, and when I did got it badly wrong.

I remember my dad forcing me to go school discos and most embarassingly, a roller-disco. I clung to the railings all night, wearing completely the wrong clothes, and feeling like a complete mis-fit. I stopped going to these all together. I was so out of touch with the other kids, but I didn't mind as long as I did well with my classes, and could still do my music and my drawings.

I remember going on a trip to a Youth Hostel with the other kids. It was hell. We went somewhere in Yorkshire. I was sharing a dorm with the other boys, who largely ignored me. I enjoyed the walks, and enjoyed going out during the day, where I could daydream and enjoy the scenery, but the mealtimes and evenings were awful. I couldn't wait to get home, to my sanctuary.

I also remember going on a music weekend with the local wind band I was in. Similar story. The rehearsals were good fun, but the activities were horrible. There was a swimming pool in the grounds, and everyone was to pile in. I jumped in what I though was the shallow end and found myself completely immersed in 6-feet of freezing cold water. I though I was drowning and panicked. I was eventually fished out, and didn't go near a swimming pool again for nearly 20 years. I was also voilently sick on the coach on the way back, and remember running down the coach, having been handed a plastic bag to be sick in. I couldn't get it opened, so held it to my mouth as I ran. I showered the entire coach in vomit!

I couldn't wait for school to end. I wanted to be a car designer, and tailored all of my GCSE options to it. When the time came I holed myself up for the summer and revised. To my relief I got 8 O-level equivalents, and some A grades. My course-work was good (I'd not had much else to do during my spare time), and I was offered a place at the local Sixth form college. Most of the other bright kids from my school were going. I visited, took one look at the place, realised that it would be just like school, realised that all the kids who'd ignored me were going, and bolted!

Instead I got a place at the local Art College, which was auspicious - 2 of my uncles had also studied there. I was excited, and, best of all, none of the other kids from my school were going!

After 2 of the most miserable years at school, the end came. On the last day, still very few kids talked to me, and only a handful signed my shirt (an old tradition). I didn't care, I was leaving them all behind. I remember one of the girls, who had always been picked on for being a 'swot' came over to me, gave me a hug and told me that she thought I'd done well in my exams, and that I'd make a success of being a designer. I was very touched by this. I was also delighted to be leaving all of this behind for good.